Project K

Day three

2007-11-24T19:19:00.001-08:00

Another day and another trip to the good, old gym. Today I could only workout for 30 minutes because the gym closes at 5. I didn't get off work until about 4:10 and then I still had to drive there. I debated about not going and then thought that even if I only got in 20 minutes of exercise it would be better than nothing. I did 30, so I'm happy with that. I am proud of myself for going. It would have been so easy not to go. So, today is day 3 in a row that I've gone. I don't know when the last time that I went to the gym 3 days in a row was. I am liking it. I am liking feeling better about myself. Even though I know there is no physical change as of yet, there is a mental change. The mental change is what I need. The physical change will come.
I don't think that I'll be going tomorrow. I am hoping to spend the day tomorrow with my man and if that's the case there won't be time for a gym visit. We will go on at least one good, long walk with the dog so I'll get my exercise that way.

I went back

2007-11-24T00:15:00.000-08:00

Day 2 of going to the gym. I went back today. I am proud of myself. It is so dark when I get off work so I feel like I should just go home and go to bed. It is 5:30 and it is pitch dark. I wanted to head home after work but I knew that I'd be mad at myself if I did.
I packed my stuff so that I could go straight to the gym after work. I know that if I head home there is no way that I'll turn around and go back into town. I went to the gym and did a 20 minute tanning session. I know it seems weird to tan right now, especially since I pretty have no tan left but I thought that the heat of the lights would warm me up. Plus, it is a good way for me to relax. It is only 20 minutes but I feel rejuvenated after it. I don't tan very often, I just do it as a treat. It makes me feel a bit better about myself. I think it makes me look better. After my tanning session, I did the elliptical for 30 minutes, the stairstepper for 15 minutes and then the treadmill for 30 minutes. I felt like I accomplished something.
I am planning on going to the gym tomorrow too. I am scheduled to get off work at 4 but if it is busy then I won't. If I have to stay at work then I won't be able to go because it closes at 5 on Saturday. I don't know if I'll go on Sunday either. I am planning on spending the day with my man. If I do then I know that we'll get in at least one good walk with the dog so that will be some exercise.

ahhhh, the gym

2007-11-22T16:50:00.001-08:00

I went to the gym today. I don't know when I was there last. It has to have been a couple of weeks. I love the gym. Actually, I don't love the gym, but I do love the feeling of working out. I love the feeling of a sense of accomplishment when I'm done my workout. I feel so much better when I exercise.
I had the day off today and I was warm and comfortable at home. I was in a bad mood though. There wasn't a good reason for my bad mood other than the nagging feeling that I needed to exercise. So, I got dressed and headed out the door. Before I knew it I was on the elliptical machine and I had a big smile on my face.
I did the elliptical machine for 60 minutes and then walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. According to the machine's calorie counters I burned over 900 calories. It was a very good feeling.
I have been gaining weight and not exercising lately. I have started to not feel very good about my body and I can feel myself slipping down an ugly path. I need to stop that now. I have been eating badly lately. The combination of not exercising and eating a lot is a very, very bad thing. When I work out I tend to eat better. I need to go to the gym more. I need to go tomorrow.

stressed

2007-10-03T13:30:00.000-07:00

I am stressed. I can feel myself getting more and more overwhelmed and yet I seem to think that I can keep taking on more things. I am just waiting for one of the things that I take on to pan out and make my big break. Right now I'm working 5-6 days a week, taking an online class, and writing for 2 different web sites. I also want to spend time with my boyfriend.
Each week I say that I'm going to get more organized and stop procrastinating as much as I did the previous week. It really isn't working. I'm procrastinating and getting behind and stressing out. Today for example I've got to finish my weekly reading for my class, turn in my project before midnight, clean the house for my mom's visit and go to my boyfriend's house for dinner and then hang out there tonight. I don't get to see my boyfriend all that much so when I do I like to take advantage of it. When I am with him I don't care about all of the other things. When I am with him I don't work on any of my writing projects or my class but my stress is gone. I just love being with him. I don't care about all of my deadlines when I am with him. That is probably not a good thing. I probably should get more done before going and hanging out with him, but I can't help the fact that I really love being with him. When I am with him that is the only time that I feel like I can relax. That is the only time that I feel like I don't have to be on my computer working on something.
Every day I look online for writing jobs. When I see a freelance job that takes only 5-10 hours a week it interests me. For some reason I think that on top of what I'm doing I can take on more and more. Eventually I want to just write. I don't want to work at the stores any more. I want a full-time writing job. That is why I am taking the classes. I am working on my Technical Communication Certificate. I want to be a Technical Writer. All of these little jobs that I am taking on right now are helping me get practice writing again. I have been out of the writing groove for years. I need to get back in it.
It will all pay off one day. I know that it will. I need to start being more realistic about what I can handle. I don't want to stop looking for jobs and writing gigs though because I don't know which one may be the big break that I need. Once I get my "real" writing job I will be able to relax. Until then I guess I have to try my best to be realistic, organized and logical. I need to realize when I am asking too much of myself.

starting again

2007-09-21T19:26:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. I ate breakfast. I brought my lunch to work -- and ate it. I went to the gym after work and worked out for 60 minutes. I ran for 20 minutes, walked for 5 and did the elliptical for 35. I was sweating up a storm. It felt great. I didn't spend any money today. I drank water. I had a light dinner. I may make popcorn later for a snack. All in all it was a good day.

I weighed myself at the gym today and I've officially gained about 7 pounds. That's bad! Good thing I'm tackling the problem now before it gets completely out of hand. I know that if I get back on the right eating track and back to exercising I'll lose the weight and continue to lose. I have been quite gluttonous and lazy recently. I guess I should just be happy that I've only gained 7 pounds. It could be a lot worse.

I've got to start losing

2007-09-20T20:02:00.000-07:00

The time has come when I've got to get serious about losing weight again. I did a good job for a while and exercised and lost weight. I got comfortable and stopped really caring about what I was eating and stopped exercising as much. I have to get back to caring and thinking about what I eat and exercising more. I go for walks quite often but that isn't the same as running and working out at the gym. I am starting to get discouraged when I get dressed for work because things are starting to get a bit tighter. I can still wear everything but my clothes aren't as loose as they were before. I don't think it will take that much to get back to where I was and where I was feeling good -- and sexy.

A couple of things that I need to do are:
* drink more water -- I don't drink nearly enough water. I am not drinking nearly enough liquids in general.
* stop eating out -- I tend to eat out at lunch when I'm working. That needs to stop. I need to make my own lunches and bring them to work. I have to stop ordering out because I'm too lazy to make myself lunch. Making my own lunch will save me calories and money.
* exercise -- I need to go to the gym more regularly. I have a lot on my plate right now and I don't have a lot of time. I can go to the gym on my way home from work even if it is for a 30-minute workout.
* proud of myself moments -- I need to start thinking more positively about me and the efforts that I am making. I am a lot healthier and more active than I was a year ago so I should give myself some credit. I do get exercise even it if is just walking the dog. Every day there is a reason to think positively and be proud of myself. I need to remember that.

Today's proud of me moment (pomm!):
* I had a couple of opportunities to go out to eat today or just go through the drive-thru to grab something quick to eat but I didn't. I went to the grocery store and bought the couple of items that I needed and left. I didn't buy extra things and I didn't buy junk food. It made me feel good.

Water intake was up today. I drank at least 2 litres. I only had one cup of coffee and I didn't have any soda.

Food intake:
* breakfast -- fried egg (with Pam) and 2 pieces of bread
* snack -- 2 scones
* lunch/afternoon snack -- doritos w/salsa and sour cream
* dinner -- pasta with chicken, onions and garlic

Not the healthiest day of eating but I did eat breakfast, which is a good thing. I know I need to get more vegetables and fruits in.

I'm feeling better about myself already. This is a good thing.

Don't even know them

2007-09-11T20:23:00.000-07:00

I don't know the Biggest Loser contestants but they make me cry regardless. It could be that I'm tired and it is making me emotional. I haven't watched the show in the past but I think this year I will. It is very motivating. It is hard to snack and watch the show.

There was no way I was going to go to the gym today. I am impressed that I made it through the day. I drank way too much wine last night and was feeling hungover. All I wanted to do was come home from work. The day drug on and on. It seemed like every hour took at least 3 hours. It is over though, thank goodness! There's no need to drink that much wine. I know better. It just tasted so good and it was a fun night. I think I did a pretty good job hiding the fact that I wasn't feeling that great. I just kept thinking that I'll feel better tomorrow.

I am planning on going to kickboxing tomorrow. I haven't been in a long time. I know it will be tough and I'll be sore but I will love it.

Didn't want to go

2007-09-08T18:13:00.000-07:00

I didn't want to go to the gym today. I almost talked myself out of going. I got off work a little after 4 and the gym closes at 5 so I knew that I couldn't spend much time there. I told my co-worker that I was going to go so I felt like I had to. Isn't it sad that I'll be more accountable to others than to myself? I brought my clothes to workout and I had to drive by the gym on my way home. So, short story long...I went. I ran/walked at an incline for 30 minutes. I feel like the fast walking at a high incline is almost harder than just running at no incline. I use the random program on the treadmill and when the incline is 1 or below then I run. If the incline is 1.5 or higher I walk. I think it is a good way of mixing things up. I walk at 4.0 and run at 5.2 -- on average. I am going to try and go to the gym both tomorrow and Monday. It is definitely doable.
I've started to really seriously look for a new job. I've sent my resume out to a couple of places. I am finally finding jobs that I think I would like and that I am qualified to do. I haven't seen many jobs that I thought I'd really like and now there are a couple. I sure hope I get some positive responses to my resume. I will be very sad if I don't. I have the skills, education and experience that many of these job postings are looking for. Looking for jobs is scary and depressing. I hate it. I take rejection personally even though I know I shouldn't. Sometimes there isn't a good reason why they hire one person over another.

Sadly sore

2007-09-07T21:41:00.000-07:00

I know that I haven't gone running in probably a month but it hasn't been THAT long since I exercised. Apparently it has been longer than I thought. I am sore today from my run yesterday. I am not surprised that my legs are a bit tender, but I am surprised that my upper body is sore. My core muscles hurt when I cough or laugh too much. I didn't go back to the gym today but I think I'll go tomorrow. I figured since I was sore I shouldn't overdo it and go back today. Exercising isn't a sprint so there's no use in doing too much and then not wanting to go again. It felt so good to get back in there and sweat.
I work tomorrow but the gym is only open for one hour after I get off work -- if I get off on my scheduled time. I will bring my stuff and then if I have the time after work I'll go. I have Sunday and Monday off so I can go in the morning before my brother and his wife get up and get going. They are late sleepers adn it takes them a while to get ready for the day so that gives me plenty of time to go to the gym and come back home before they will be ready to do something.

Getting back into it

2007-09-06T14:37:00.000-07:00

I went to the gym this morning. Yes, you read that right. I actually went to the gym before work. Last night when I was lying in bed I thought that I should go to the gym in the morning. While I was thinking it I knew that the chances of me going were pretty slim but it was a good thought anyway. I got up this morning and went. I am so proud of myself. I am so happy that I went. It was just what I needed. I haven't been to the gym in a couple of weeks. I have been walking a lot so it isn't as though I haven't done any exercise but it isn't the same. I'm planning on going again tomorrow.
My parents and my brother and his wife are visiting me right now. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents dearly and I am so happy to see them but having them at my house makes me stressed out. I feel like everything I do is under scrutiny. I know that I make myself stressed out but I can't help it. Having my brother here is helping alleviate some of the focus on me. I haven't seen him for almost 2 years so it is great to have him here. My mom is focusing on them which is fantastic. I can go about my daily life a little bit easier. They are all leaving on Tuesday so I know that I only have a couple more days of stress and tension to deal with.
It is amazing how fast I go from being relatively happy with my life and all that is going on with it to being incredibly cranky and slightly depressed when my family comes. I feel like a big loser when they are here. I am the oldest and the biggest fuck up. I have a couple of sucky jobs that have nothing to do with my college degree or what I really want to do. I can barely pay my bills with the money I am making right now. I have a brother that is married and doing pretty good financially and professionally and I have a sister that is married, has a kid and is doing fantastically both professionally and financially. I am the token family loser. It feels great, let me tell you. I am trying to make changes though. I am taking classes to get my technical communication certificate so I can get a job as a technical writer or something along those lines. They give you 2 years to complete the program but I think that I can do it faster than that. I am also starting to look for jobs that I will like and will feel good about. I want to feel proud of myself and it has been a while since I've had that feeling.
On a good note, I am in love. Super, incredibly, amazingly in love. He is a fantastic guy. He makes me happy. He makes me feel good. I know that I went through all of the stuff with my ex so that I would meet my new guy. He makes everything worth it. He makes me want to be a better person.
If I could just get my bills paid and a new job things would be awesome and I'd no longer be the black sheep. I could be just slightly gray. You know, the color of white socks that are accidentally washed with your darks.

Changing things up

2007-09-05T15:59:00.000-07:00

I keep telling myself that I'm going to start posting again and then before I know it many, many days have passed and I haven't posted a darn thing!

My days in the retail business are numbered. I say that because I am trying to get myself out of there. I can't stay much longer. It isn't good for my head or my heart. It's not that I don't like my job or that I don't like the people. I like both. I just know that there are better things that I should be doing with my time and my talents. I also know that I could make a heck of a lot more money if I was actually doing the things that I am talented (or I like to think I'm talented) at -- writing and editing. I work too many hours at the store and don't make any money. I'm having a hard time paying my bills, which in turn makes me feel like a loser. I am not using my brain that much at work and then at the end of the day I come home and think that I really should be doing something else. I am making it really hard on myself mentally. I've made some decisions and I'm done sitting and thinking and wondering -- I'm taking action.

I have decided that Technical Writing is what I should be doing. I've enrolled in a certificate program and my first class started yesterday. All the classes are online so that makes it easier for me. I'm so very excited about it. I know this is a good decision for me. I know that I can get a job that I want and that I'll enjoy. I know that I'll have a job that at the end of the day I'll be proud to do and will feel like I've used my brain. I haven't felt like that in quite some time. The program is a total of 8 courses -- 5 required and 3 elective. I have a 2-year window in which to complete the program. I'm planning on having it done faster than that. That's my goal at least.

So, now that I've decided that I really want to be a writer then I better write. Sounds simple. Part of getting myself into writing is going to make myself blog every day. I'm looking for part-time work that I can do from home and there are a lot of blogging positions available. I guess I should get in the habit of blogging before I try and claim that I am indeed a blogger. I don't want to misrepresent myself now do I?

I will be updating my super-exciting life for all the blog world to read. I can just see it now -- how many people's days will be complete now that they can catch a glimpse of my life?

I'm back

2007-08-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

I'm back, how about that! I have been thinking that I need to start blogging again because it helps keep me accountable. It is amazing how much more real things become when you actually write them down. If you write down what you ate you have to think about it. You can't really say that you think you ate this or that. You have to think about it and that makes you realize that maybe you did great or maybe you ate a little too much or, or on some rare days, too little.

I've actually been doing quite well since I've been "gone." I have been exercising on a limited basis. I've gone to the gym at least once a week. I've gone on frequent walks though. This past week though I have been making regular trips to the gym. I am back to lifting weights. I know that is very important. Even though I just started lifting weights again this past week I already feel stronger. It is in my mind, I know.

I have signed up for a personal trainer session complete with some sort of body assessment test on Sept. 4. Having this deadline is making me really want to get in the best shape possible in a short time. I know that I'm not going to make any huge changes to my current state but knowing that I tried will make me feel better. No matter what the results of the test show. I'm afraid my test is going to be similar to one of those weight loss reality shows where they show the person at the beginning of the show and they think that they are in decent shape and then they have their "evaluation" and end up being horrified and mortified at the state of their body. Let me tell you, I'm not all that excited about finding out my fat percentage and all the other stuff that I will find out. I think that it will be a good thing. Scary, but good.

New challenge -- old problem

2007-03-06T18:48:00.000-08:00

February came and went and I drank more water than I had the previous month but I did not fulfill my challenge to myself. I don't consider it a success. So, March's challenge is once again to drink 100oz of water a day. It is already the 6th and let's face it, I'm falling behind on my challenge. Right now I've got a 30oz water bottle beside me and I'm chugging away. I've had some water today but nothing substantial. Tomorrow I'm going to really start to give it a go!

I've been doing a good job exercising lately. My knee is pretty much better but it does get a little aggravated after the run so I haven't been running every day. I've been alternating running with the elliptical. Tomorrow is cardio kickboxing. I love that class! Yesterday I ran for 30 minutes at 5.0 -- actually 29 minutes at 5.0 and 1 minute at 6.0. I am impressed with myself. I am getting faster and I feel stronger. My goal is 30 minutes at 6.0. I'm not setting a timeline for the goal. I will get there when I can. I push myself a little each time I run. I don't want to overdo it.

Things with J are going great. Minus the fact that he is now on his trip and I won't get to see him for over 2 weeks. I am planning on using the time that he's gone to get more toned and lose some pounds. With my renewed water drinking plan and increased exercise I should be able to drop a couple. I'm not asking for a lot, but some. A lot takes a lot of time. I'm working toward a lot. Right now I'll be happy with some.

March already!

2007-03-01T08:35:00.000-08:00

It's the first day of March! How time flies. February was such a great month that I'm a little sad to see it end. Usually I can't wait for the clean slate of a new month. March is going to be even better than February -- so there!

I need to come up with a new challenge or challenges for March. I am continuing with the water drinking challenge because I kind of fizzled on that one. I started out strong but didn't keep going at the same pace. I am automatically drinking more water than I was before I challenged myself but I'm not drinking enough. I am going to try again in March.

I've been exercising when I can and that has been averaging 4 to 5 days a week. I can't ask myself for more than that. I am enjoying the exercise and am pushing myself so I'll keep going on that path. I am making exercise a part of my daily routine and I am looking forward to going to the gym.

I've been eating healthy but not tracking points or counting calories or anything like that. I am eating what I want but I feel like what I want is healthy. I'm going to continue on that path too. I find that I'm eating less. I also find that I'm not craving bad things as much and I think that is because if I want them I am letting myself have them and then I think if I really want them or not. I just realized that I lost 10 pounds in February. I've been weighing myself frequently and mentally noting the weight. I must be doing something right! Yeah!

All in all February was a fantastic month. I feel healthier, stronger, more confident and more attractive than I've felt in a long, long time. I know I'm in better shape than I've been in a very long time. When I push myself when I'm exercising I am making great strides. I've been running and have upped my base pace and am working on running faster. My goal is to run at a pace of 6.0 for 30 minutes, that is a long way off but I'm getting there. When my leg bothers me I back off running and work on another machine. I'm okay with that because I know by doing that I'm still exercising and I'm going to be able to run for longer if I don't wreck my leg. There's no use in pushing running only to hurt myself.

Things with J are going great! I am really liking him. He's a great person and I feel lucky to have met him. The only thing that stinks this month is he's going to Ireland for about 2 weeks. I'll miss getting to see him but I know we'll have more fun times when he gets back. He's not leaving until the 6th so I'll get to see him a couple of times before he leaves. Our schedules are pretty opposite so getting a chance to see each other frequently doesn't happen. It's been working so far though. I'm not going to lie, since I've been dating J I have found it a lot easier to be healthier and to exercise more. I want to exercise because I know I'll feel better when I see him. I guess I have to say that some of my success is because of him. He doesn't know that. I'll keep it my secret. =)

Bring on March! It's going to be great!

it's been so long

2007-02-20T18:17:00.000-08:00

It's been days and days since I've posted. How time flies. I have been keeping up on reading blogs but I haven't been posting to my own.

I haven't been doing as good of a job drinking my water as I'd like. I am drinking more than I was, so that's a good thing. It is also always on my mind that I should have some so that's another good thing. Small steps I guess.

I have been exercising. In my quest to become a runner I've injured myself. My left leg is irritated. I've tried to run through it and that didn't help. Even though I hurt I could still run. Until yesterday. I could only manage 5 minutes of running before I had to stop. I was so frustrated but I knew I couldn't keep going or else I'd just make it worse. I tried walking but it was too painful. I decided to go lift weights for upper body and give the leg a rest. After I lifted I tried to ride the bike but that ended up being too painful too. I had to leave the gym. I was so mad because here I was trying to capitalize on the momentum I've got going. I decided that I'm going to have to give up running for a week or so until my leg gets better. I'm not giving up on this. I'm going to run! I went back to the gym today and talked to one of the instructors. She said that it is a normal injury from running and rest is all that I can do. Rest meaning no running. Not rest meaning no exercise. Today I did the elliptical for 35 minutes and then the stairmaster-butt machine for 20. According to the machines I burned 775 calories. Not bad. When I was done I didn't have the same satifaction I had when I ran but I still felt good exercising. I can tell, in the short time that I've been running, that I've gotten stronger and in better shape.

Things with J and I are going great. I am supposed to see him tomorrow evening after he gets off work. I am really really liking him.

Sweet potatoes are my new favorite food. I tried a baked one the other day for the first time in my life. They are really, really good.

More running

2007-02-10T17:03:00.000-08:00

Thanks to everyone who left an encouraging comment on my wannabe runner post. It made me feel great. I shouldn't try and compare myself to others in my quest to run. I should run because I want to and because it makes me feel good. Who cares how far I can run, how long I run or anything else.

I ran again today. I ran for 60 minutes straight. I am so impressed with myself. I think that I'll only do a long run like that once or twice a week. Most days I will run for 30 minutes. I pushed myself to run slightly faster today. My goal is going to be to run 3 miles in 30 minutes. This goal is a long way from being reached but it gives me a milestone. I ran over 4 miles today. I can't believe that I could actually run that far. When all was said and done with my running and walking I was on the treadmill for 75 minutes and I went 5 miles. Not bad. After my run I lifted weights for upper body and then stretched and headed home to walk the dog. We walked on the beach for about 30 minutes. I got quite a bit of exercise in today. I'm sure I'll sleep great.

My water intake for the day has been good. I am going out to dinner with the neighbors tonight so I'll get a lot of water in. It is so much easier to drink a bunch of water when someone comes to your table and keeps filling up your glass.

I haven't been tracking what I've been eating lately but I am definitely thinking before I put something in my mouth. I'm not mindlessly eating and I'm not eating things that I know are bad for me. I think drinking so much water has helped curb my appetite. Also, I think the increased exercise has made me think before I eat. Why would I want to undo such good work at the gym by eating something crappy? Plus, thinking about the next time I'll get to go out with J is good incentive not to go crazy in the kitchen.

All in all, things are going great.

Wannabe runner

2007-02-08T18:35:00.000-08:00

I want to be a runner. I am trying but it really is hard. There is a difference between running on a treadmill indoors and running outside. I'm just taking baby steps now to become runner. I am only running on a treadmill but I have the aspirations of running outside. I have run 3 times this week. Two times I ran for 30 minutes without stopping. Today I ran for 60 minutes without stopping! I am amazed at myself. I knew I could do it. After I passed the 30 minute mark I just kept going and kept talking myself into another 5 minutes until I reached 60. I honestly thought that I could run longer. I didn't want to push it though. I don't have anything to prove. There will be more runs to come. I am by no means running fast. In fact, I ran a little over 4 miles during my hour run. I'm not going to win any races at that pace. But, once again, I don't have anything to prove. I am going to work on increasing my speed but only for me. Who knows, maybe one day I'll be able to run in a short race or something but for now I am happy with myself for not only going to the gym but for pushing myself. It felt great.

I'm not doing that great on my water today but I am working on it. So far I've had about 50 oz. There's plenty of time left to get another 50 in.

J did call yesterday and we went out. It was sooooo great. We talked for hours and hours. And, we had our first kiss. =) It was quite, quite nice. He's a really great guy. At least he seems to be. I am really liking him. I've had a smile on my face all day today. I'm not sure when we'll get to go out again because he's got a busy work week -- maybe Tuesday. That sounds so far away. Anyway, things are going to great so far and I hope they continue to go as well.

Bed over beach

2007-02-07T09:07:00.000-08:00

As much as I enjoyed my morning yesterday of getting a walk in before anything else this morning I stayed in bed. I woke up at the right time to hear pouring rain. Immediately I had to make a decision: do I want to go for a walk and in the midst of it get the dog soaking wet? My answer was obviously no. So, today I went back to sleep fora little while longer. I feel like I deserved the extra rest today though because in yesterday in addition to my morning walk I also went to the gym where I ran -- nonstop -- for 30 minutes. That is 2 days in a row where I went running. I am so impressed with myself. I felt great when I was running. Great! I was into the music and for part of it I didn't even feel like I was running. About 25 minutes into the run I cranked up the speed and ran for another 5 minutes at the higher speed. That felt amazing. I felt so strong. When I was done the sweat was pouring off me. I felt like I accomplished something. I love that feeling.

I would go running again this afternoon but today is supposed to be the date with J. I say supposed to be because I don't know what we are doing. I left it that he should call me this afternoon when I get off work and we'll figure it out from there. Now I have to wonder all day if he's going to call.

We've only been corresponding via e-mail since the last date. There are good things about e-mail and bad things. The good thing is you can think and re-read and edit yourself before you send your answer. The bad thing is you don't know if they've received it and you don't get an immediate response. In waiting for a response to my e-mail I come up with ideas why the person hasn't written back. I tend to overthink pretty much everything. I read between lines when there are no lines to be read between. So of course with J I have come up with all sorts of reasons why I don't know what we are doing yet. I don't know him well at all yet but I try to imagine the scenario in which he lives and I try to figure out why he has not written me back. Maybe he's changed his mind. Maybe he's been busy. Maybe he figures that writing an e-mail to say that he'll call me is pointless. There are a million maybes. That sounds a little insecure you might say. Well, unfortunately I am insecure. I need to be more confident. Sometimes I put on a pretty good, or at least I think pretty good, front that I am indeed secure. In some situations I am. In others where I face rejection I am not. Oh the mind games we play...

I do think that he'll call and we'll go out tonight. Why else would he write me first and tell me that he was free to go out today if he didn't want to go? There is just that little voice in the back of my mind that says maybe he's a jerk and he isn't who I'd want to go out with anyway and he won't call and he'll blow me off. I hate that little voice.

I told my parents that I went on a date. I didn't tell them until I was supposed to go out on a second date. I wanted to wait for a bit to tell them because I didn't want to get their hopes up that I'd meet a boyfriend. I could have waited for many dates to happen and for me to know if I actually do like him or not but I decided to tell them just so that they'd know that I was doing okay here and I was getting myself out there and trying to meet people. I know they are worried about me and if I'm happy or not. I think that telling them I went out on a date and I got myself out there would ease their minds a bit.

Okay, time to get ready for work and possibly a date right after work.

By the way, I drank all of my water yesterday and I've had 20 oz so far today. Gulp, gulp, gulp!!!

2007-02-06T09:07:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to be earlier with the intention of getting up and going for a walk. I did it. Believe me, I'd rather stay in bed where it is warm. It is gloomy outside with fog but I knew that couldn't deter me. The dog was so happy. That makes it worth it. We could only go for 20 minutes because the tide was too high and I didn't feel like climbing over wet rocks and driftwood only to walk a few more feet. It was nice to get out there and even nicer to know that I did it. It is such an easy thing to do I don't know why I make it so hard. I came home, had my coffee and made breakfast. It really is a nice way to start the day.

I've had 20 oz of water so far -- 80 to go. I'll have another 20 before I leave for work and then I'll have 30 at work with my water bottle. That leaves me with only 30 for when I get home from work. I am planning on going to the gym this afternoon so I'll definitely want some while I'm there. You see, I can make drinking all of this water part of my daily life no problem.

Okay, time to drag myself away from the computer and get ready for work.

70 oz down; 30 to go

2007-02-05T19:12:00.000-08:00

It's 7pm and I have 70oz of water down. I can easily get the last 30 before I go to bed. I will just have to chug some. At least that makes me feel full so I don't feel like snacking in the evening.

I've been going to bed too late recently. The past couple of nights I've been up until at least 1:30. Last night I didn't feel like going to bed. I regreted it this morning when I didn't want to get up and walk the dog. I stayed in bed for an extra hour instead of getting up. Tonight I'm going to make myself go to bed early and I will get up in the morning and walk.

I went to the gym this afternoon after work. I rode the bike for about 15 minutes while I was waiting for a treadmill. It is still so crowded. All of the treadmills and elipticals were taken. I got there before 5 so you'd think there would be some empty cardio equipment. Oh well. I'm glad to see so many people sticking to their exercise plan. After my treadmill was free I ran for 30 minutes. Jog is more like what I did, but still. I felt great. I felt as though I could have kept on going. After the treadmill I lifted weights for my upper body. I even did some post workout stretches. I am bad about doing them because by that time I just want to get out of there. I know that I should do them though.

I am going out with the boy on Wednesday -- at least that's the plan for now. =) I'm not sure what we are going to go do. I need to think of something fun. Any suggestions? Hopefully he'll have some ideas.

Super bowl rip off

2007-02-04T17:26:00.000-08:00

It is rainy and dreary here but at least it is a bit warmer than it has been lately. I don't feel like having a fire. I am content sitting on the couch and using the space heater.

I'm working on getting in my water today. So far I've had about 50 oz. I still have another 50 to go. I'll get it in. I drank all my water yesterday. It is easy to drink it when you are sitting at a table in a restaurant and they keep filling up your glass. I need a waitress in my everyday life to get me water. I wouldn't have any problem drinking it all then.

Last night was the staff party for the catering job. It was a great time. There were 6 of us -- it is a small company. It was all girls so it was like a girl's night out. I haven't had one of those in years. It was a lot of fun. I had a lot of wine -- so did everyone else. I stayed over because I knew I'd be having wine and I didn't want to drive home. It was a long drive home this morning. I couldn't wait to get home and lay on the couch. So here I sit.

I am watching the Super Bowl and I am feeling jipped. I don't like watching the Super Bowl in Canada. They don't show the same commercials as in the States. That is one of the best things about watching the Super Bowl -- all the new commercials. It just isn't the same.

I am waiting to hear back from J about going out again. I hope that we can fit it in our schedules to go out this week. I am not working any nights this week so I should be able to go out when he can. I'll miss singing again if need be. I hate this waiting stuff. At least he wrote me and said he wanted to go out again.

Great start

2007-02-03T09:08:00.000-08:00

I've already had a great start to the day. I got up, made coffee, and as it was brewing I took the dog for a walk. What a lovely aroma to walk into! It was like a little reward to come home to. We walked for 30 minutes down the beach. It was raining but I told myself that I was going to go anyway. I am so glad that I did. It was so tranquil. I am going to make that part of my morning routine. Like I said, it is a great way to start the day.

The boy e-mailed me! We are going to go out next week providing our schedules match up. He works nights and I work days. We'll figure something out. He apologized for not getting back to me sooner -- it was only 2 days. =)

So far today I've had 20 oz of water. Not much but I'm just getting started. I'm adding another challenge to myself and that is to get in 1,400 minutes of exercise for February. I've been working toward that for the past couple of months but I haven't been too good in achieving it. If I walk the dog for at least 30 minutes each day reaching that goal shouldn't be too hard. I"ll just have to throw in some additional gym sessions and I'll be there.

I'm not going to lie, the possibility of going on another date is good incentive for me to drink my water, eat healthy and exercise. I want to be able to feel confident about myself and knowing that I've done those things will really help my confidence level.

I WILL be healthy and lose weight after all! I CAN do this!

Okay, I better go make my lunch and get ready for work. Bringing my lunch will really help me on the eating front. I am going to make a baby spinach salad with dried cranberries, blue cheese and salmon. Yum!

Happy Friday

2007-02-02T15:18:00.000-08:00

Day 2 of the water plan and I'm water-logged. I am definitely more focused on drinking water. I think about it all the time and keep thinking that I should have some.

I went for a walk along the beach today. It is really chilly and overcast/foggy. It was so peaceful though. There were no waves. The water is like glass and it seems like I'm on a lake more than the ocean. I haven't walked along the beach in so long and that is just dumb. I guess I just take it for granted that it's there. I am so lucky to have it right there that I need to take advantage of it. Other people drive to it to take a walk. All I have to do is walk out of my door. It makes me sad and frustrates me that I haven't taken advantage of such a beautiful thing. I also haven't been taking my dog for a walk lately and that's just mean. He loves them. I took him yesterday and today. I know he is so much better because of it. I know that I'm better because of it. I have been focusing on getting in exercise. I have been only equating exercise with the gym. The gym is only one way to exercise. Going for a walk is a great form. It is great for my body and my head. I can walk for 30 minutes before work every day and then again after work. That is an easy way to get an hour of exercise in a day. Why don't I do it already you ask? Laziness, plain and simple. This is a new year and a new me and the new me goes on walks. The new me appreciates the things that make this such a great place to live. The new me wants to be a healthier person.

Tonight I'm going to the hockey game. I am looking forward to going. I am meeting S and her family first for dinner. It was so nice of her to include me. Tomorrow night is the CGC staff party. It is more or less girl's night out. We are going to a nice dinner and then back to D's to drink and do karaoke and whatnot. I think it will be really fun. I haven't had a girl's night out in years -- almost 4. Isn't that sad? We are all staying there sto there won't be any drinking and driving. Smart plan. Sunday is the Super Bowl. I plan on sitting on my couch, watching the game and recuperating from the previous night. I've got some good times ahead of me.

Drink up

2007-02-01T08:42:00.000-08:00

It's February and that means it is water month. I am focusing on drinking at least 100oz of water per day. That is my main goal. I have to reach that goal every day. It is attainable. It can be done whether I'm working or not. I need to set a goal like this for myself because I know I can do it and I've been failing at the other weight loss related goals. Drinking water is good for me and necessary. It will help with my weight loss goal and it will help make me a healthier person. If I drink so much water then I will be too full to overeat. That's my theory anyway.

I will continue to exercise. I am aiming at going to the gym or getting in some form of exercise at least 4 times a week. I am also going to eat healthy but I'm not going to keep track of points. I will do this for one month. I will keep track of points starting in March. Then, once I've had a great month of water and another great month of water with point counting added I will up my exercise.

I think this approach is both logical and attainable. I've been off track lately and feeling bad about it but I stay off track.

I've joined the 2007 challenge. This month my challenge will be to drink all my water daily. Gee, what a surprise. I think vocalizing it with the challenge and knowing that others know what I expect of myself will help motivate me.

I had my first date in over 3 years last night. I had a great time and I'd love to go out with him again. We went to dinner and talked and talked and talked. It seemed like we have a lot in common and I could see having some fun together. I think he's cute. He seems like a really good guy. The night ended with a handshake. I'm okay with that. I think anything else would be weird. So now I have to wait to see if he wants to do anything again. I think I'm going to let him make the next move. From things that he said it sounded like he would be interested in going out again. For now I'll just wait.

New plan

2007-01-30T21:26:00.000-08:00

This isn't working. I'm not doing a good job. Things have to change. I've come up with a new plan. I am going to focus on the things that I can be successful at and move on from there. I am going to take baby steps at weight loss and build upon those successes. I'm too good at toppling at the first sign of failure.

My first building block is going to be water. For the next month, until the end of February, I am going to focus on getting in my 100 oz of water per day. It is something that I know I can do if I put my mind to it. I just need to think about it and I'll do it. I know that drinking water is good for me. I know that drinking water can lead to healthier things. I will drink all of my water each day and that will help fill me up so I won't eat as much. I know how to eat healthy and I know I need to exercise. I have the tools. I have to get the momentum and keep it going.

This is a marathon -- not a sprint. As much as I want to have the motivation to lose weight I don't. I need to work up to having the motivation. I had planned on joining WW for so long when I knew I was moving here. It was one of the things that I was going to do. There wasn't an ah-ha moment. It was just that I needed to do it. I did okay for a while but I never completely stuck to it. People at the meetings talk about how they have never had a gain and how they'd been doing great and all of their success. I know they had their ah-ha moments. That is why they are so determined.

I went to the grocery store tonight and I bought some healthy foods. I have definitely changed my eating habits. I always look at the nutritional information before I buy something. If there's an option that has wheat I take it. I look for fiber. The majority of the time I am doing the right thing. It's not enough though.

The baby steps are going to work. My ah-ha moment will be seeing success and knowing that I can do this.

I am going to do this

2007-01-29T21:37:00.000-08:00

This past week stunk. I was off track again. I am fighting myself. I know I can do this yet I'm not letting myself be successful. This has to stop. Tomorrow is my weigh in but I don't think I'm going. I have 2 thoughts about it. 1. I don't need the ww scale to tell me that I've done horribly. I already know that. I don't want to pay the money to track that I've gained. 2. Going to the ww meeting might help me get back on track.

I get paid tomorrow so I can go to the grocery store and get some food. I haven't been able to grocery shop this past week so buying healthy food has been hard. I bought some brown rice and some whole wheat pasta the other day but I also need to buy more fresh fruits and vegetables. I need to buy things that I can take for lunch. I also need to make a point of taking my lunch. I have been lax about that lately and it costs me dearly in points. I also need to get some breakfast stuff. I have been good about eating it but I'm running out of stuff.

Ahhh, the weekend

2007-01-27T09:40:00.000-08:00

It's almost the weekend for me. I have to work today from 11-4 but then I'm off for the rest of the weekend. What will I do with my time? Hmmmm. I can't go to the gym today because the hours don't work with my work. Tomorrow though, I'll be there. I haven't gone in the past 2 days. I've been working catering and had an appointment and just couldn't/didn't fit it in. I shouldn't say couldn't because if I really wanted to I could have gone before work. Today though it doesn't open until 8 and it closes at 5. It really doesn't give me enough time before or after work to get in a good workout.

I had a pep talk with myself last night and I'm feeling a lot better about my weight loss, the reasons why I need to do it and why I'm struggling so much. I think I am using my being fat as a shield. If I'm fat and not getting dates then I can blame it on my being fat. I'm not putting myself out there 100% because I am always waiting until I lose weight to do so. I never really give anyone the chance to get to really know me and therefore I can't feel bad being rejected because I didn't give them the chance to know the real me. I'm sick of waiting to lose weight though. I need to. It is the time. Not next week, not next month, today. Today is when I really start. When I want to eat something that I shouldn't or too much of something that I should I need to stop and think about it. I have been having a problem with that lately. I have been eating too much of good or bad things. That is hindering my weight loss and therefore hindering me growing as a person. Stop it I say! It's time that I make my appearance. It's time that I really get out there and live life to the fullest. I've only got one life and it's got to start today.

Another day

2007-01-25T23:29:00.000-08:00

Today was good. I didn't go to the gym. I didn't plan on it though. I would like to go tomorrow. I'm only supposed to work until about 3:30 so I could feasibly be at the gym by 5. I don't want to go then because that is the busiest time. The only reason I'd want to be there at 5 is to do the spinning class and I don't want to do it. I'm not into it. Other people swear by it but I just don't like it. I have given it two tries and so far I think it stinks. I'd much rather be on the elliptical or treadmill. Or I'd rather ride a real bike. I am seriously thinking of buying a cardio kickboxing dvd. I'm not sure if I'd use it though. I don't want to buy one and not use it. I say I'll exercise at home but realistically I don't do it. I've used the balance ball but not consistently. I'm much better going to the gym. I'll see if I can rent one from the video store and give it a test drive.

Tonight after work we went to a bar and got a drink. I had 2 glasses of wine. It was sooooo nice to go out. I felt like a normal person again. I didn't feel like such a homebody. I know that I'm going to like this catering job because it is much more social than my other job.

Kickboxing

2007-01-24T18:13:00.000-08:00

I love cardio kickboxing. I pushed myself tonight and it felt great. I wish they offered the class more than once a week. Maybe I should buy a DVD to do it at home.

I got at least 80 oz of water drunk today. I'm pushing for 100 oz though. I can do it. Glug, glug, glug.

Tomorrow I don't work at the store. I am catering. Yeah! I hope it will be fun. It was before and I know more so hopefully I'll be happy that I'm getting back into it. I have an appointment with E at 11:15. I will be done before 12:30. I guess I'll come home after, go to the gym, get ready and then head to catering. My appointment and catering are in the same general area but catering doesn't happen until 3. I don't want to just hang out for 2 and 1/2 hours doing nothing. I'll just end up spending money. I don't know. I think I'll have to figure out my day and see if it is worth driving back and forth or if I should just bring a book and head to a coffee shop or library and relax for a couple of hours.

Singing group is tonight. It sure would be easy to just stay here and watch tv instead of going. Once I'm home at night I don't like going back out. I'm rather hermitty. I paid to join singing group and so I'm going. I know that C isn't going but E is and I have to talk to her about dates for going to the play. I guess I should go get ready now. Fa la la.....

Life as a movie

2007-01-23T19:50:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish my life were a movie. That way I could fast forward all of the unpleasant parts. I would have it show me at the gym on a day like today and then fast forward to months from now when I'm in great shape. Wouldn't that be lovely? I could fast forward through the parts until I was with a great guy and that way I don't have to go through the nervousness and anxiousness and all that.

Today's WI sucked big time. I was up 3 lbs. I don't think it is entirely true weight though. I think I just caught the scale on a bad day. I was happy before I went into the meeting because I know that I've been progress. I shouldn't use the scale as a measure of my success. I have other ways to measure the positive changes that I've been making in my life. Today for example I went and tried on clothes. I dread trying on clothes! I need some new pants for work and I had a coupon so I decided to go. It wasn't entirely unpleasant. I bought two pairs. The are both size 16s but they are loose. I didn't buy anything that I couldn't wear immediately. In fact, one pair could use a slight shrink. They were only $9.99 so I decided that if I could even get a couple of uses out of them before they get too big it will be worth it. I'm working a lot more now and I need to have more selection than the 2 pairs of black pants I've been wearing. I also got a dressier pair that fit nicely. The fabric on those pants is a little unforgiving so I didn't want them to be tight. If they were then I know I wouldn't wear them. I could tell that I'm getting a bit smaller. 14s aren't far off.

The gym tonight was great. I did the elliptical for 20 minutes at resistance 10. I did the interval training program. I only did 20 minutes because someone was signed up for the machine after me. I felt like I was working but not too hard. Then I was on to the treadmill. I warmed up for 2 minutes then started running. At almost minute 8 I wanted to stop but I pushed myself to continue to minute 8. Once I hit minute 8 I just kept going. I ran for a total of 23 minutes. The majority of my run was at 4.0, near the end I upped it to 4.2 then the last 3 or so minutes I put it at 5.0. It felt so great. I felt like I was running for real. I really needed the release I got from it. I know I want to run but I often don't push myself. I need to start.

All in all it was a good day. I know the scale number sucked big time but I feel like I'm making progress and that's the important thing.

Time alone

2007-01-21T12:58:00.000-08:00

It's raining and dreary and stormy. It is my first planned day off since January 1. I don't feel like leaving the house. I know it would be good for me to go to the gym but I don't feel like going. I know that I'll go tomorrow after work and the rest of the week after work. I didn't go yesterday. Two days off in a row isn't that bad. I went for almost a month without going -- what's 2 days?

I have to get back on the weight lifting routine. I haven't done it for the past couple of days. I know how important it is to my overall health. Even though I'm not going to the gym today there are a couple of exercises that I can do here with the balance ball that will work my legs. I can also do the dreaded lunges. Yuck! Seriously I think that's why I don't want to do my leg weight routine. I don't want to do lunges. They aren't THAT hard but in my mind they are. Shorts weather is going to be here soon. I have to be ready. I am not, I repeat NOT, going to go through another summer not wanting to wear shorts. I am so tired of that. I feel like I'm missing out on some of summer because I'm not comfortable in summer clothes. This year things will be different.

I ate horribly again last night. That has to stop. Today I'm breaking the cycle. I threw away the rest of the bad food that I was snacking on. Today I'm going to make a hearty, healthy dinner. I had a good fiber-filled breakfast. I'm not sure what I'll have for lunch -- maybe couscous salad. I'm not at all hungry so I might have a snack and have my dinner early.

Update:
I didn't go to the gym today. Who was I kidding saying that I'd go? I contemplated it and then said no. It is 9pm and I just finished my dinner. I tracked all of my points. I ate 27 -- the number that I'm supposed to eat. I feel good about what I ate today. I feel like I ate healthy. I didn't get my fruits in, but I did eat all my servings of vegetables.

All in all it was a good day.

Something's got to change

2007-01-20T09:22:00.000-08:00

I don't know what has been going on with me lately. I can't seem to stay on track with my eating. I am letting my inner hunger demon take control and I HATE that. I hate feeling so out of control. It is just food. Why can't I control how much of it and what kinds I put in my body? It is so frustrating because I know I can control it. I just don't. I have to work at it everyday. Hopefully one day it will become second nature to eat good foods and eat them in small portions. Until I get to that point I have to think about every bite. Thinking so much about food makes me a little crazy. I hate thinking about it all the time. I record my food in my little book.

Today is a new day, right? Today I can get on track and stay there. Today I can feel good about everything that I eat. Today I can feel like I was the best that I could be. I'm not talking about anything drastic here, I'm just talking about eating some meals.

I'm not going to the gym today. The hours on Saturday are really short and don't work well with my work hours. It is okay to take the day off. I can go tomorrow. I finally have a Sunday off of work. It is my first scheduled day off since Jan. 1. Woo hoo!!!! I don't have to worry about the alarm clock or any of that. I am going to relax and do whatever. If it is nice I'll take the dog on a walk. If it is crummy I'll hit the gym. I have choices.

The good and the bad

2007-01-19T19:56:00.000-08:00

The good news is I made it to the gym tonight. I fought myself and I didn't want to go but I knew I needed to. I was actually driving home when I made myself turn and go to the gym. I am happy that I went. I didn't make myself do spinning. It wasn't in me to do it and I don't even like it. I would have done it if the regular instructor was there but there was a substitute so I figured if the real teacher wasn't there I didn't need to be either. I ended up doing the elliptical for 30 minutes and the treadmill for 30. I didn't lift weights even though I should have. I was tired and I told myself that I only needed to stay for 30 minutes. I stayed for an hour.

I ate well during the day but I couldn't hold off the bad food any longer. I don't know why I'm fighting myself so hard right now. I went to the grocery store after the gym and bought some good choices. I also made some bad choices. I feel better about the choices -- good and bad -- because of my workout tonight. I bought some stuff to make healthy lunches. I got some turkey for wraps and sandwiches. I've needed something like that to bring to work.

I don't know why I am fighting myself so hard with eating these last two days. I have been making great progress. I know what I need to do. I know what I need to eat. Yet, I still don't do it. I said no to going out with J because I wanted to give myself another week of eating well and exercising so that I'd feel better about myself. I have been exercising and eating reasonably well. I could be eating better.

Fa la la....

2007-01-17T21:54:00.000-08:00

I went to the singing group tonight. C has been trying to get me to go for a long time. Now that I don't have to work nights I can go. It was interesting. It is definitely something that I've never done before. I signed up and paid my money so I'll be going back. It is good and a good social event. I think it will be a good way to release tension and just feel generally good. I would think that the people that go would be nice -- why else would they be there? It isn't for anything but fun. E goes and through her I think that I'll meet other people. It's all about getting out there and doing things. This year is about improving myself and improving my life. I have to do new things to make improvements because obviously the old ways weren't working. Singing could be a key part. If nothing else it is different and fun.

I did cardio kickboxing today. It is hard and I look like an idiot doing it. There are some people in the class with such great form. I bet they've been doing it for a while though. One day I'll have great form too. I have to keep at it. I like it and it's a great workout. You do so much with your arms that you really get your heart rate up. I didn't do any weights afterward because I had to get home to get ready for singing.

I ended up going to The S's for dinner. It was a spontaneous invitation. It was really nice. They are such great people. I am really lucky to have met them and have them as neighbors. It was also great because I wasn't sure what I was going to have for dinner and they solved that problem.

I have a busy day tomorrow: I'm meeting D for breakfast at 8:30; I have an appointment with E at 11:15; and I have to be at work at 1. I told them that I might be a little bit late for work. As long as I am there around 1 it's okay. I wonder if they'll call me and tell me they don't need me. The snow may deter S from going to Vancouver. If it keeps snowing I wonder how the roads will be tomorrow. I don't want to have to drive all the way to meet D if they are bad. Nothing I can do about it, right?

I wonder when I'll get to actually meet J. I told him that I couldn't do anything this week and he's busy next week on his night's off. I sent him an e-mail saying that we could meet this Sunday during the day. I also said we could wait until the next Tuesday that he's available. If we wait then that gives me even more time to lose more weight. I don't want to put off our meeting forever though. I want him to like me for me and it shouldn't matter how much I weigh. It's not like I'm going to drop 50lbs or something before I meet him. Unless....I keep putting it off until the end of the summer and I work really hard each day. Ha ha! I just want to lose a bit more. I just want to feel more comfortable in my own skin. That's all I can ask for.

New schedule

2007-01-16T08:51:00.000-08:00

I am definitely loving my new schedule. I get up early enough to get the day going at a leisurely pace but not too early where I dread the alarm going off. I have time for breakfast (very important) and coffee (very important). I also have time to get on the computer and check out what is going on in the WW world and other things. The only thing I haven't mastered yet is making myself some lunch to take to work. I am lounging about so much that before I know it I am in a rush to get out the door and I don't have anything to take with me. I'm not going to do that today though. That's just plain dumb.

I am reading the You on a Diet book and so far it is making sense. I haven't really gotten to the eating plan part of it yet. I've been reading all the scientific stuff that tells you how your body works. It is interesting. I need to read through it again though. I know I'm missing stuff. I wasn't very good in science in school so it is taking an extra amount of brain power to comprehend. One thing I've read is that they want you to eat the same thing every day for the majority of your meals and then change it up on one of them. Interesting concept. I could do that though. It takes away from scrambling around trying to find something to eat. You just have to be sure you have the same things in your fridge/pantry. I'm thinking that I'm going to have a black bean burrito with salsa and cheese on a whole wheat tortilla for breakfasts. It is 7 points. I'm going to have a peanut butter and nutella sandwich on sunflower flax bread for lunch -- that is 9 points. Both menu items are very high in fiber so they'll keep me full and they have some necessary fat and some protein. Tonight for dinner I'm going to have a Couscous Greek Salad. I made one last night and it was really good and filling. Wow, without even trying I'm going to have a vegetarian menu today. I read somewhere that you should have one vegetarian meal day a week when trying to lose weight. So, today's my day.

Tonight is my WW meeting. What will the scale say? I'm expecting to be under 200, hopefully less than 198 but I'm not getting my hopes up. I am going to the gym before the meeting so maybe that will help nudge and extra ounce or two off my body.

Insert title here

2007-01-15T20:18:00.000-08:00

I don't have anything remotely exciting to write as a title for today's entry.

I hit the gym again today. I did 30 min on the elliptical and 30 walking on the treadmill. After that I did my prescribed upper body weights. Since last Saturday I went to the 7 times. Not too shabby! I've lifted weights on all of those days except Friday. I feel like I'm doing something when I lift. I wonder how long it is going to take to see results. I already feel better mentally. Stopping by the gym on my way home isn't hard it just takes some determination. I've got that now and I just need to keep it up.

Tomorrow night is my first night back at WW since the beginning of December. I've worked really hard this past week to lose weight so that the scale didn't show me an ugly number. Let's be realistic...I wanted to make sure I wasn't back over the 200 mark. I think it should be okay. I know I've worked as hard as I could and I ate healthy. That's all that I can ask of myself.

I may be going on a date. That's scary! I've been chatting with a guy online and we may meet for drinks next week. I haven't been on a date in years. I going to try to not get excited about it or get my hopes up about the guy until we actually go out and I see what he's really like. I can imagine things in my head and make him out to be better than he is. I know what I want in a guy and without meeting him I can make him fit into all of the categories and have all of the qualities and characteristics that I'm looking for. He asked me out first and I don't want to go this week. I'm not ready. I told him that I couldn't this week but I could next week. I need one more week at the gym both mentally and physically before I meet him. I need to be ready. I want to feel confident and feel like I look as good as I can. I know that I don't want a guy that will judge me by my looks or how fat I am but I want to feel good about myself. It isn't for him that I want to look good. It is for me. I already have a pair of jeans that I would love to wear on the date. I need to lose a bit of weight to fit into them. When I can wear them I will feel good. Maybe their debut is just a week away.

Last day

2007-01-14T16:14:00.000-08:00

Woo hoo! Today was my last day at M's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I'm truly sick of working every day. It sucks. I guess I wouldn't mind it as much if I like the job but I didn't like that one. So, now I'm only with one job but that won't last for long. Starting in February I'll have 2. I'll be working for the same people but in 2 different stores. They are opening up a new one next door to the old one. It is completely different so we'll see how I do at it. I would never apply at the store just out of the blue but who knows, I may like it. On Thursday I meet with D for breakfast to talk about her ideas for getting me involved with catering again. This time I'll have more responsibilities and do some office work. It will be a nice change. I'm looking forward to that again. So, shortly I could be working 7 days a week again but only if I like the jobs. I am going to have my nights off -- for the most part -- which will be nice. I can do things at night then like the singing group and go to WW meetings. I will also have Friday nights off so if I ever get a social life I can go and enjoy the night.

I got an extra gym visit in today. I wasn't planning on going because I was supposed to work until 3:30 and the gym closes at 4 on Sundays. Today was REALLY slow at work so I got to leave early. I did 60 min worth of cardio and then my lower body weights. I still hate lunges but I know I MUST do them. Will they get easier and more enjoyable? I sure hope so.

I stepped on the scale this morning and it was down from yesterday. It could be a great weigh in on Tuesday. I just have to keep it up and keep drinking my water. I've got a glass beside me that I'm almost done with. I'm making a huge effort in this arena.

My sister is coming here in June. I'd love to lose 60lbs by then. Is that feasible? If I lose 10lbs per month from now until then it will be. Wouldn't she be surprised to see me if I could manage that type of loss! She's a lot smaller than me. She always has been. I am shorter than her so I know I could and should be smaller than her.

No exercise today

2007-01-13T18:28:00.000-08:00

I didn't exercise today and that's okay. I have a goal of exercising 4 times a week and I made my goal.

I bought "You on a diet" and "He's just not that into you" today. They should be interesting reads.

The scale moved downward today. I woke up feeling a smidge smaller so I stepped on the scale. If I keep this up (and I WILL) then my weigh in on Tuesday shouldn't be too scary. I'm still looking to lose my 10%. It will happen soon.

Spin, spin, spin

2007-01-12T23:05:00.001-08:00

I went to spin class tonight. I didn't really enjoy it but I think with more experience at it I'll like it better. I think it is hard. At least you can go at your own pace. You can tighten the resistance as much or as little as you want. I will go again but right now there are other things I'd rather do for cardio. I know that people really like it because it is a very popular class. You have to get there early to get a bike. I like the instructor - she's my trainer. I couldn't even phathom lifting weights tonight after cardio. I feel like I worked harder tonight that I have on other cardio machines yet the online calorie tracker didn't give me as many calories burned as other things. Oh well. I know that I worked hard and that's what's important.

Tonight is the 3rd day in a row that I've been to the gym. I am starting to make it a part of my daily routine again. I'm starting to plan ahead and bring my clothes with me so that I can stop there on my way home. I'm not sure what I'm going to do tomorrow about exercise. I could get up early and go before work. I could go for a really short time tomorrow after work. The gym closes at 5 tomorrow and doesn't open until 8. Truth be told, I don't want to leave the house and venture out in the cold at that time of the day. It will be hard to get up the driveway when it is still so cold. I will have to rush to get back home and get ready for work. It just isn't feasible to get ready there. Well, I guess I could but I don't want to. I can go on my way home for a short time. I guess a short time is better than nothing. I could work out for about 45 minutes. I guess I should do that. I'll feel better knowing that I went. If I don't get to leave work tomorrow on time then I won't be able to go but I want to go. It sounds like I'm making excuses not to go but that isn't the case. I want to go. I feel so much better when I do go. It just doesn't seem worth it when I can't spend much time there. I guess 30-45 minutes is better than nothing. Right?

This morning I stepped on the scale this morning -- just to see. It sucked. I was up 2 lbs. How stupid is that? I've been exercising and eating much better and I'm gaining! BS! I know there are multiple factors that would lead to the gain: TOM, muscles retaining water from beginning of weight lifting regime, not drinking enough water, eating too much on Tuesday night, and more things. I have to go to the WW meeting on Tuesday night for the first time since the beginning of December. I don't want to show a gain on the scale. I was doing well before I stopped going to the meetings. I am finally able to go to the meetings again because I am not working on Tuesday nights anymore. I really need to go to the meetings to get me back on track.

I think I've done a good job getting myself on track without the encouragement of the ww. I have been exercising and tracking what I'm eating. Even if the pounds aren't coming off the scale I know that I am doing the right things. The weight will come off. I know it will. I have to be patient and not give up because I'm not seeing immediate results.

Spin, spin, spin

2007-01-12T23:05:00.000-08:00

Still going strong

2007-01-11T20:15:00.000-08:00

Another day, another gym visit. I'm doing good. I did 60 minutes of cardio and did upper body weights. Last night I did 60 minutes of cardio and lower body weights. Tomorrow I want to try the spin class. The last time I tried it I had already run for 30 minutes so I was tired and I didn't enjoy the class very much. I am going to go to the class without doing anything beforehand and see if I like it. I've heard such good things about it and how much people love it. My trainer teaches the class tomorrow night so it should be fun.

I need food structure. I need to plan a weekly menu and stick to it. I'm going to plan a weekly menu and corresponding shopping list and go to the grocery store tomorrow and buy the things I need. I think having structure like that will really help me stay on track. I tend to make bad decisions when I am hungry and have to decide what to eat. If I knew what I was eating then I wouldn't have to rummage around to find something. I'm going to give it a shot and see how it works out. I'm going to make my own menu though rather than going with a computerized menu because they tend to put things on their menu that I'd never eat. When I see those things it frustrates me and end up not liking the overall menu.

Fresh start

2007-01-09T17:29:00.000-08:00

I need a fresh start. I feel like I'm going around in circles and not making any progress. The good news is I'm not going downhill -- at least not at a rapid pace. Slowly I can see myself slipping back into the ways that I was and how I used to eat. That can't happen. I can't let it. I have seen that I can have success. I honestly know I can do this. I know I can lose weight. I have the strength and willpower to do it. I just need to get it going.

I didn't go to the WW meeting tonight. I wasn't expecting to go because I thought that I was going to have to work and that I would have to miss it again. I knew that my weight would be up so I didn't feel like spending the money to have it reiterated to me. I am giving myself one week and then I'll go back to meetings. Tonight will be the last Tuesday that I would have to work and miss the meetings. That job is over on Sunday so I won't have to miss the meetings any more. I think that has been part of my problem on getting going again. I feel like I'm kind of out there alone and that I haven't had the chance to get it going again. Meetings always inspire me and I haven't been able to go to them.

Tomorrow is my fresh start. Completely fresh. 100% new. Tonight I'm giving myself the opportunity to eat whatever I want to get it out of my system. I've been craving Chinese and chocolate -- can you say TOM? So, I'm having Chinese for dinner and chocolate pudding for dessert. Tomorrow I'll wake up and be gung ho to get going. I feel like I've been spinning my wheels lately and that is frustrating me.

I went to the gym last night and on Saturday. I lifted weights both days. Last night was upper body and Saturday was lower. I am planning on going tomorrow on my way home from work. I will have time to go before I go out to dinner at 7. If it is slow at work then maybe they'll send me home early and I can spend more time at the gym.

You can really tell it's January and everyone is making their resolution to lose weight. The gym is packed. Last night's aerobic class was packed. I give it a couple of weeks and it will slow down again. I'll still be there, but others won't.

I feel like my life is about to take a great change. I am changing jobs -- well, keeping one and changing the other. I am also getting to go back to catering. I talked with D today and she has a great opportunity for me to help her out. I need to find out more details but so far it sounds great. It sounds like something that I'd love to do. I need to find out the details and whatnot.

Getting moving

2007-01-08T23:13:00.000-08:00

It was a dark, cold and rainy night and I was sitting on my couch in a warm house with a roaring fire. The decision had to be made. Go to the gym or stay home and relax on the couch. It wasn't that hard of a decision to make. I knew what the answer was before I asked myself the question. I had to go to the gym. There wasn't an excuse not to go. Only laziness. Laziness can't win. So, I went to the gym.

I am happy that I went. I knew I would be. I did the hi/low aerobics class and then lifted weights -- upper body.

I ate well today. I did fantastic until I got home from work. I was really hungry when I got home so I made some rash decisions. I need to eat more during the day so that I'm not super hungry when I get home. I also need to have things here to eat as snacks. I bought some string cheese and almonds tonight to have for snacks. According to my food companion book an ounce of almonds is 4 pts. That's a lot of points for a small snack. I think I'll have 1/2 ounce of almonds and 2 pieces of string cheese for a total of 4 pts.

Another day

2007-01-07T20:37:00.000-08:00

Today was pretty good. It was uneventful. I worked. That's about it. I made sure that I ate breakfast. I didn't snack at work. I kept track of my points and I'm pretty close (2 over). I still need to go grocery shopping to refill the house with post-holiday healthy foods. There are some items that I am eating because it would be wasteful to throw them out. They aren't the choices that I would make but they are reasonable. It isn't like I'm eating bonbons or something like that.

I need to be better about planning menus for the week. I tend to buy what I feel like while I'm at the store. I know that's a horrible way to shop. It tends to cost a lot more money and you end up making bad choices and forgetting the things that you should buy.

I didn't get to the gym today but I knew I wouldn't. The hours didn't work for me. I will go tomorrow. I'll go either before work or after. I haven't decided yet which I'm going to do. If I go before work then I have a time constraint to deal with. I would get up at 7 and be at the gym working out by 7:45. I can work out until about 9:15. That is an hour and a half which is plenty of time. If I go before work then I know it's done and I don't have to think about it again. If I go after then I don't have to worry about time. I should be off work at about 4 so I would be at the gym before the major rush. To be honest, going after work is more appealing to me because then I get to sleep in a bit. That is such a wonderful thought. I haven't had the chance to sleep in in a very long time.

Today the news got out at the restaurant that I was quitting. I wasn't going to say anything to anyone, except my boss of course. Today one of the assistant managers said that he was going to miss me. Some people said things to me about my leaving -- they were all very nice. One guy, the one that is mean to everyone - on the surface, said something to the effect that the good ones always quit. Coming from him that was a big compliment. He thinks everyone is awful. The end is near for that job. I only have 4 shifts left. I was scheduled to work on Friday during the day but I can't because I'm working at the store. W crossed me off the schedule instead of making me work night prep. I hope that sticks. I don't want to work on Friday night. I worked last Friday day shift and there wasn't a night prep person scheduled. Hopefully that means the same thing for this Friday. They should know that I don't want to work. I told J that I didn't like working the night shift so hopefully he won't schedule me. Plus, I have to work all day at the store. So I won't be able to take any calls. I'm not going to bring my uniform with me to work because I don't want to go in.

Pretty darn good day

2007-01-06T18:56:00.000-08:00

Get this...I set my alarm for 7am to get up and go to the gym. I actually got up and went to the gym. Amazing! I am so proud of myself for actually going. The funny part is I got up and got ready and then found out that the gym doesn't open until 8 on Saturdays. I could have slept in longer than I did. That's okay though. I know for next time.

I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and 20 minutes lifting weights. I did the routing that my trainer gave me. I finally did it. It has only been almost a month since I met with S and she told me what exercises to do. They are a lot harder than the ones I got from W. A ton harder. I could feel the muscles working while I was doing the exercises. I'm pretty sure that I'll be incredibly sore tomorrow. That kind of sore is good. I had to push myself to do the exercises. I knew I could do them though so I didn't give up.

Today I ate on program. I made sure that I had and egg sandwich (6) for breakfast and some coffee with creamer (2). I had a latte with skim milk and sf syrup for lunch (2). For dinner I made myself a caesar salad with chicken (13). It was okay, not great. I didn't give the chicken much flavor when I cooked it. It wasn't worth the points that it "cost" me. I also had a baked potato with sour cream and some taragon/almond compound butter (7). I was expecting a great potato full of flavor and goodness. It wasn't. Maybe I'm just not in the mood to eat tonight. The total food "cost" today was 30 pts. I exercised to I earned some APs. I figure I earned about 3. So that puts the balance at 27 -- 1 pt above my target. That's okay though. 1 pt is great.

Aaaaahhhhh, Friday

2007-01-05T19:14:00.000-08:00

I usually don't care what day it is because I don't work the normal Monday-Friday shift. Today though feels like a Friday. It feels like the beginning of the weekend. On this exciting Friday night I am sitting at home with some rented movies enjoying the quiet house and the comfortable couch. I have to work tomorrow but not at the restaurant. That alone is a reason to feel like it's the weekend. Now that I've turned in my notice I am having a hard time being there. I can't wait until I'm done. I have to remember though that I could need the reference so I have to leave on as good of terms as possible.

I was supposed to go for a walk and then coffee tonight after work. The walk got cancelled because of the weather. I'd have to have hurricane gear on to enjoy a walk along the beach today. Instead we just met for coffee. It was the daughter of a friend of my mom's. I'd never met her before so it was kind of like a blind date to see if we'd like to become friends. She just split up with her husband so she's going through a tough time right now. She likes to do a lot of outdoor things so I think that we could be friends. She seems a lot more reserved than me so she probably won't be a good person to go out with to the bars with but she'll be a good person to go on bike rides, hikes and other activities with. Not every friend has to have the exact same likes and dislikes as me. I can have different friends for different reasons. I can learn a little something from each of them. I am going to try rockclimbing with her. I've never done it so I have no idea if I'll be good or crappy at it. I think it will be fun either way.

Day 1

2007-01-04T18:14:00.000-08:00

I'm back on program! Yep! I feel great about it! I already feel better about myself and more in control. This morning I weighed myself and I knew it was time to get serious. I have to get back on track. If I don't then I'll end up fatter than I was when I started. That would be a disaster.

Today I bought a pair of pants and a pair of jeans that don't fit yet. I usually don't do that sort of thing. I always want to be able to wear what I buy immediately. In truth though, I didn't mean to buy them to have them not fit yet. I thought they would. I thought that I could wear the pants to work on Saturday. Ha! That is a joke! I can zip and button them but that doesn't mean they are suitable for public viewing. They are now added to the incentive list that I have created as reasons for losing weight. The list is getting longer and longer. So far I'm not getting smaller and smaller.

I am going for a walk with E tomorrow after work. I don't feel like I've done any exercise in weeks. Even though it isn't a hardcore workout it will feel good to get out there. Maybe it will get the exercise ball rolling. I know when I exercise I love the feeling it gives me. It is so easy to fall out of the routine though.

The summer isn't that far off. The spring is even closer. I am going to need to wear shorts and t-shirts and tank tops and bathing suits. I am nowhere near ready for those type of clothes. I want to enjoy living here to the fullest and I'm not going to if I'm fat. I want to enjoy the outdoors and all it has to offer.

I had to guesstimate my points today because I don't know how many points I had for lunch. I bought a sandwich from the grocery store. Out of all of the options I think it was the healthiest and the lowest in points. It was a chicken sandwich with feta cheese, some kind of spread, chicken, lettuce, green peppers, red onion and a multi-grain baguette. I'm guessing 10pts. If that's the case I had 29pts today. I know that is 3 points over my allotted number but I am feeling good about tracking today and writing down what I ate. That is a big step for me: writing down what I ate. I know a lot of people say that food journaling is the key to be successful. If I know I have to write down what I eat then I am better about not overeating. I don't want to see all that gluttony in print. Isn't it weird how I can eat whatever I can fit in my mouth as fast as possible without thinking twice about it but when I have to write it down and fess up to eating it I don't want to eat it. Oh the mind games we play!

Starting off slowly

2007-01-03T18:35:00.000-08:00

I haven't started the new year off with the gusto that I thought I'd have. I thought that I'd be at the gym as soon as my parents left and I could get back into my routine. I couldn't go to the WW meeting last night because I was at work. I think that not going to meetings for the past couple of weeks has slowed me down. There are left over treats here and so I am figuring that I should just eat them to get them out of the house. I could just throw them away, but I haven't. I'm getting down to the treats that I don't like so those will go in the garbage. There is also food in the refridgerator that is left over from when the family was here. I don't want to throw out good food but I don't know the point value. I counted my points for breakfast -- 6 pts. I didn't have lunch because I worked all day. I had a couple of bites - maybe a point worth. When I got home I had some food that was left over from the family visit. I didn't count points or measure or anything -- I just ate. The left over food is almost gone.

I can't go to the WW meeting tomorrow night because I've got the other meeting. I can't go to my regular meeting next Tuesday because I have work. It will hopefully be the last Tuesday night that I'll have to work. I want to be able to go back to my regular meetings.

I quit my job at M today. I am so happy that I'm going to be done working there. Only 2 weeks to go! I have to contact D and see if I can do some catering work with her. I still need the money. I just couldn't handle that job. I wouldn't have quit if it was my only job. I am going to be working more hours at the store. If I was still working at M I wouldn't have the freedom to work the hours that they will give me. The job at the store is better for my head than M. I can see myself working at the store for a long time.

A new year begins....

2007-01-01T21:18:00.000-08:00

The holidays are over! I'm so happy about it. I am happy to get back to a normal life. Holy smokes I've been a slug and a pig over the holidays. I haven't made any time for myself. I haven't gone to the gym once since my mom got here. She came on Dec. 10th! Here I am trying to lose weight and become a healthier person and I don't even go to the gym! What's that about?!? I have a new routine from my personal trainer that I'm honestly excited to do but I haven't gone and done it. What a total slug! I don't work tomorrow until 11 -- I should go in the morning and get some exercise in before I start work. I will feel so much better about myself and I'll get a good ball rolling. I need to go!

Gym visits have to become part of my daily routine. There's no excuses not to. I'm not THAT busy. I don't have THAT much going on.

I have resolutions:
1. exercise at least 4 times a week
2. drink at least 100 oz of water per day
3. stay OP for entire month of January (minus Jan. 1)
4. have a healthy mindset; healthy will make me happy
There are others, but I haven't come up with them yet.

My New Year's Eve was good -- and sad. The good: I was with the people I love most in the world (family). My brother wasn't there but the rest of the family was. The sad: I felt alone. The clock struck midnight and my sister kissed her husband and my mom and dad kissed. I stood there alone. Alone. I had to wait until they were done kissing the love of their life to give me a hug. I have gone through a lot of changes in the past year. I shouldn't expect anything different than what happened. There was a New Year's Eve party that I could have gone to but I declined. I wanted to be home. I wanted to be with my family. They have been incredible to me over the past year. It is amazing how much they've done for me. The New Year's Eve of 2007 will be different though! I'll be healthier, happier and in a good place in my life.

I am excited to get back on the health track again. I haven't been to a WW meeting since early December. According to my home scale I'm only up a little over 2 pounds. Is that real though? I need to be weighed on an "official" scale to get my reading. I know how I am. I really want to get back on the health trail but come morning I am going to think that sleep is better than exercise. I have to fight past it. Tomorrow is a great day to go to the gym. I am hoping, hoping, hoping that I don't need to go into work tomorrow night because if I don't I can go to the WW meeting. Who would have thought that I'd want to get weighed?

Here piggy, piggy

2006-12-29T01:29:00.000-08:00

I didn't know there was such thing as a Christmas Piggy but apparently it does exist. I am officially the Christmas Piggy. I have been gobbling up food like and drink like I'm in preparation for a year-long fast. Holy moly I eat a lot. I've been eating a lot of bad things. It's not like I'm even making bad choices. I'm not choosing. I'm just eating. See, eat, repeat. That equals big, bloated, fat Christmas Piggy. Thank goodness the holiday season is about over. My life will go back to normal. I want a salad!

My mom has been here since the 10th. It's been a great visit. The only downfall is that I've used her being here as an excuse to eat and drink whatever I want. My dad, sister, BIL, and nephew have been here since the 23rd. The Christmas eating really began when they got here. They are all heading out on the 2nd. I've enjoyed their trip and being here. I've enjoyed it immensely. It has been a great Christmas. I'm ready to get my life back though! I've been so busy in December that I haven't taken the time to care about myself. In my mind I've felt that I can eat whatever because I know that the holidays are only here for a short time. That was really stupid because now I feel fat and ugly. Feeling that way isn't worth the cookies, candies, wine or any of the other assorted items that I've gobbled up.

The new year...
I know everyone says that they resolve to lose weight, get healthy, be happy, get out of debt, etc in the new year. I am going to say those things too. 2007 is going to be a good year for me. It is truly a time to start fresh. I need to get a handle on my weight and I finally feel like I've got the mindset going, I have the tools that I need. I know that I can do it. In this past year I've learned that I am the most important person and that I have to take care of me because no one else is going to do it. I need to take time for myself. I've worked a lot the past couple of weeks. I won't continue to work so much. I'll have time to do things for me such as going to the gym. I haven't gone since about Dec. 8. That is ridiculous. I haven't gone to a WW meeting in weeks. I have let the things that mean a lot to me slide. I have traded what I want to do at the moment for what is really important. Starting on the 3rd I will change that. I am being realistic about not saying that I will make all of these changes on Jan. 1. My family will still be here. They leave on the 2nd but I have to work a double that day so I can't go to the gym or to the WW meeting. Unless...I get up early and go to the gym in the morning before work and go to the early WW meeting to get weighed in. Now there's a thought. I just checked the meeting schedule and I don't think I'll be able to go to the weigh in on Tuesday, but I can go to the gym before work. Will that happen? Possibly. I don't have to be at work until 11. I have to work at GE and at M. I hate working at M -- especially doing night prep stuff. Maybe it won't be busy that day and they won't need me. If that's the case then I will go to WI. Unfortunately it isn't something that I can plan on. I wonder when it will slow down there. I would think that on the 2nd there won't be a lot of people going out to eat. People will be recovering from New Year's Eve. They won't have any extra money to spend on dinner out, or lunch. You know I must not like the job if I'm already hoping that they won't call me in for a Tuesday shift when it is only Thursday.

The important things

2006-12-17T00:00:00.000-08:00

WW stresses that in order to be successful in your weight loss journey you need to make sure you take time for you. You need to make sure you do the things that are important to you. It doesn't matter what those things are, you just need to do them. It could be taking the time for a bath, reading, going for a walk, whatever...just make sure that you do them.

This past week I haven't been doing the thing that is very important to me...exercise. I am such a better person -- mentally and physically -- when I exercise. I love the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel powerful and confident and strong. It is too easy to push aside though in order to do other things that sound good at the time. I am not good about sticking my ground and saying no to something else and going to the gym. I had planned to go to the gym last Monday after work. When I got out of work there was a huge rainstorm with high winds. Instead of going to the gym I just went home. I didn't feel like being out. At the time I was happy to get home safe and sound and in one piece. In retrospect I guess I could have gone to the gym. On Tuesday instead of going to the gym and my WW meeting I went out to dinner and to the movies with my mom. Wednesday night I was scheduled to work but I didn't end up having to go in to the restaurant after all. I could have gone to the gym -- but no. I was happy that I didn't have to work a double shift that day so I went home. Thursday was my birthday. We tried to go shopping and out to eat but the snow kept us home. It would have been a bad idea to drive to the gym that day because the roads were a mess. Friday I went shopping and out to lunch with my mom and then worked that night. No gym that day. Today I had to work from 10 until 5. The gym closes at 5 on Saturdays so I couldn't have gone after work. I like sleep way too much to get up early and go. I won't go tomorrow because I have to work from 7-3:30. The gym is only open from 6-4 tomorrow. So, in one long breath, that is why I didn't go to the gym last week. Monday is coming and I'm planning on getting my butt in there. I know I need to do it. I know it makes me feel sooooooo much better. I don't want to end up gaining weight during the holidays. If I don't get the to the gym and work off some of the calories that I'm eating then I will surely gain weight and I'll be very unhappy about it.

I don't have a day off until Christmas so I'm going to have to fit going to the gym in with my work schedule. The only good thing about working all of those days is that I'm constantly on my feet walking around and lifting and moving things so I'm getting some exercise. It isn't as though I'm just sitting at my desk for 7 days straight. I'm one tired person at the end of my shifts. Some days the last thing I want to do is put on my running shoes and get my heart rate up. My feet hurt at the end of some days and putting additional pressure on them by exercising on the treadmill or elliptical machine hurts them even worse.

I have to figure something out.

Another year...

2006-12-13T23:58:00.000-08:00

What will this next year of my life bring? It is officially my birthday. I set goals to hit by my birthday and I didn't meet them (once again). I don't think I've ever actually met a goal that I set for my birthday. I don't give up though. I keep setting them every year because maybe, just maybe I'll make it happen.

So...here it goes. My goals to reach by my 36th birthday are the following:
* lose 50 lbs
* be confident wearing shorts
* have my BMI in the "normal" range
* exercise at least 1,000 minutes per month

I will come up with a lot more as the year goes by, but it's a start. There are a lot of goals that I have that will be reached by meeting the other goals so there isn't much use in listing them -- except it makes me look like I've reached more goals. These goals are my weight goals. I have goals for other aspects in my life like finances, job, personal/social and on and on.

Focus

2006-12-05T21:52:00.000-08:00

Why does it seem that I can only focus on one aspect of weight loss at a time? Right now I am really trying to focus on getting in 1,400 minutes of exercise in December. In focusing on that I've seemed to let everything else out of focus. I haven't tracked points in probably 2 weeks. I think about the points that I'm eating when I eat something but that isn't the same as writing them down and subtracting the amount from the allowed number. I have been guesstimating the point value of a lot of the foods that I am eating.

Why am I doing this? I am so frustrated with myself that I can't seem to get myself on track 100%. I know I want to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I am not letting myself lose weight though. I have been doing weight watchers since August 15th. Since that time I have lost 16.6 pounds. I know that losing 16 pounds is a great thing. I am happy about the 16 pounds. Really, I am. I am upset though because in that time I could have lost a lot more weight than that. It has been almost 4 months since I joined. I could have lost 10 pounds a month and that would have put me at minus 40 pounds. Now that would be something to celebrate. I am happy that I've had success but I feel like a WW fraud. I guess it's time to be the real deal.

Today wasn't a horribly bad day as far as eating goes. I ate more than I should at dinner but I stopped before I did too much damage. Right now I am drinking some much needed water. The only exercise I did today was walking up the hill in the morning. I worked all day -- both jobs. I didn't sit down until I got home at 7:30 -- unless you count driving. I left for work at 9:30. That is 10 hours of on-the-go movement. I guess that is better than sitting at a desk for that long. I am moving my body, in some way, the whole time. It might only be upper body at times but I'm still standing. That burns more calories than sitting.

I have to get my act together. My mom is coming in 5 days. The house is no where near presentable for her visit. I still have to clean up the guest room from her last visit in October. I don't have a day off work between now and when she comes. I am going to have to do little projects each night. I also have to finish knitting the blanket for my sister and her husband for their Christmas present. I have a lot of things to get done. Yikes! On top of that I need to do Christmas shopping, get my bum to the gym, eat healthy, drink water, be nice, act intelligent, and most of all, have fun.

Should it count?

2006-12-02T20:03:00.000-08:00

I didn't exercise today in the traditional way. I worked at the store today. When I say worked, I mean WORKED. I was on the go all day. I am counting an hour toward my daily exercise. I think that's fair. At one point I was sweating. There was no sitting. In fact, there was no leaning. Some times there was some standing. I think it deserves an hour ticked off on the exercise challenge.

I'm not sure when I'll be able to use the driveway again. The snow is still so deep. It sucks to have to trudge up and down it in the dark and then change my shoes at the car. I think it is supposed to rain tomorrow. That will be fun because it will turn into icy sludge. That should make for an interesting walk up and down. I wonder if it will still be bad next week when mom comes. Dragging her suitcase down the hill will be a good time. Maybe we could use it as a sled.

Yesterday I went to check on the boat and holy crap! The dock next to the one my parent's boat is tied up to is under water. There are some really nice boats that sunk because of the heavy snow. Thank god it wasn't the dock my parents tie up to. I would dread making the call to tell them. I know it wouldn't be my fault but I think I would always feel like they would think that I could have done something to prevent it.

I am doing the 1400 minutes of exercise challenge for December. November I bit the big one as far as exercise goes. December will be a different story. Yesterday I made it to the gym and was only able to get in 30 minutes. I made those minutes count though. I worked hard. I am also including the walk up the driveway as exercise because it kicks my butt and is very hard. I am happy that I have been exercising on a regular basis because if I wasn't I think the hill would be extremely hard to get up. Right now it is a minor inconvenience that gets my heart pumping a bit.

New month on the horizon

2006-11-30T13:36:00.000-08:00

I am always so motivated by a new month. It is a time when you can start everything fresh. It is even better than a Monday when you decide that this is the day you will start your diet or whatever you are deciding to start or stop. Turning the page on the calendar is so refreshing.

December is going to be a great month -- I can feel it. I get to see my family. My mom will be here on the 10th. My dad and sister, brother-in-law and nephew will be here on the 23rd. They are all staying until the 2nd. Having all those bodies and noise and commotion around the house will be great. I'll still have to go to work but I have some time to spend with everyone. It will also be so nice to come home to a house that has a fire going, dinner ready and know the dog is getting the extra attention that he needs.

I have set up a great spreadsheet for tracking my points. It is like the WW quiktrak but it is better because it subtracts points I eat and adds the aps for me. If it only could figure out the points then it would be fantastic. I guess if I want that I'll have to sign up for WW online again. I am contemplating doing that because it is a good resource for finding out points and keeping track of them.

Today my plans were all cancelled. I was supposed to have a session with Sally, the personal trainer. She called me and said that she was cancelling all of her appointments because of the snow. I guess no one had been to the gym all morning. All of the classes were cancelled for the day. I am disappointed because I was really looking forward to getting a new routine going. Oh well, it will happen another day. My social group's monthly meeting was cancelled because of the weather and so was my plan to go out to dinner beforehand. It is probably a good thing because the roads are quite bad and there are lunatics out there. I cancelled my therapy appointment because I figured if I didn't have to leave the house and drive I wouldn't. The therapist is about 45 minutes away on a good day. I talked to her and she said she wasn't going to charge me for cancelling the appointment on short notice. Normally her policy is to charge the regular fee. So now I don't have any reason to leave the house. It is nice. I've been on the go for days so a day to relax is welcomed. I don't have to be at work tomorrow until 3 so there will be time for the roads to get better and some snow to melt. I will be so happy to be able to use the driveway and garage again. Walking up and down is a pain.

I am disappointed that the PT appointment was cancelled because I was counting on it to make 4 days in a row of going to the gym. I can use the treadmill here. It doesn't sound appealing right now but I should use it. There's really no excuse not to. I signed up for the exercise minute challenge on the WW board. My personal goal for December is 1400 minutes. In order to make the goal I'm going to have to be strong when my mom and the rest of the family are here. I have to still go to the gym and get my exercise in. If I don't I will gain a bunch of weight and I don't want that. The gym is on my way home from work so I can stop there every day, when the hours don't conflict with mine, and get in an hour worth of exercise. I'll be a much happier person for it.

Making a habit

2006-11-29T16:22:00.000-08:00

How long does it take to make something a habit? Something like 30 days, or is it 90? Why is it so easy to form bad habits and so hard to form good ones. Even when things become a habit they are still a struggle to do. It's not like once something is a habit you don't have to think about it anymore and it just happens. Some things are like that, I guess, but not the hard stuff. I would like to make exercise a habit. If I do it every day for the required habit forming number of days does that mean it will be a habit or will just the thought of doing exercise be one? I already have that. I already think about exercising each and every day. Just because I think about it doesn't mean I do it though.

I'm on day 3 of continuous visits to the gym. Tomorrow I have to go meet with Sally so that will make 4. I'm a far cry away from the habit forming number of days but I am feeling like I'm getting back into the go to the gym groove. This week would have been so easy for me not to go. The weather sucks. The roads are bad. All I want to do when I get off from work is to go home and cuddle up under the blanket in front of the fire. I didn't do that though. Today is the worst weather day yet and I still went. Part of the reason is I knew that it wouldn't be busy at all because a lot of the other gym goers weren't there. It almost felt like my own personal gym. I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and then 45 minutes on the treadmill walking at a steep incline. I wonder what kind of changes Sally is going to make for me.

Down a bit

2006-11-28T22:07:00.000-08:00

Yeah, the meeting scale said I was down 2 lbs! That excites me. That means only 4.3 until I'm at my 10%. That will feel like a real achievement. That will make me feel like I'm really doing this weight loss thing. I know I am, but it will be a little reinforcement.

I went to the gym again today. I actually went after my meeting. I have been going before the meeting in the past but with work being busier I didn't get the chance to leave early enough to hit the gym before the meeting. I attended the hi/low class. It was fun but I didn't have much energy. Yesterday I had a ton of energy and working out was easy. Today I didn't. I did the best I could and made it through the class. Initially I thought that I'd do some extra cardio after the class but there was no way I could. It wouldn't have been worth the effort. I'm bringing my gym bag with me tomorrow and am planning on stopping on the way home from work. Even if I have to work a full day I'll be out by 3:30 so I'll be working out by 4. That will be 3 days in a row. I haven't done 3 consecutive days worth of exercise in a long time. I have my PT appointment on Thursday morning so I know that I'll be at the gym then too. 4 days this week! I plan on going on Friday too! I won't be able to make it on Saturday or Sunday. My work schedule and the gym's weekend hours conflict.

Pretty, pretty snow

2006-11-27T14:36:00.000-08:00

I love the snow. Really, I do. It is the ice and cold that I could do without. Living here is a lot harder in the cold than it is when it is warm. There are a whole new set of things that I have to consider. I have to bring in firewood to heat the house. When it is icy I have to part at the top of the driveway and walk down to the house. I'm not complaining. It just takes some getting used to. The thing that really stinks is that when I'd like to use my garage the most I can't. I guess that's the price I pay for living somewhere so great.

On the weight loss front I finally made it to the gym today. It was great! I love going there. I was determined to go today. I packed my gym bag with the intention of going after work. We were really slow at work today and there wasn't much to do so I got to leave at 11:30. I headed straight to the gym. Not surprisingly there weren't that many people there. It got a little busier but it didn't affect me. I did what I wanted to do: 30 min on the elliptical and 30 min on the bike. My knee has been acting up lately and I didn't want to push it and try to run. I am really hoping that after I lose more weight that my knee won't be aggravated. It never used to hurt. It only started hurting after I moved here. Maybe because I'm so heavy and my exercise has increased dramatically my knee has decided to start yelling at me. I'm not going to stop exercising because of it. I'll just do low impact things until I figure out if it really is the weight that is aggravating it. I really want to run though. It will come in time. It is just another reason why I want/need to lose weight.

I am scheduled to work tomorrow night but I'm hoping that it will be slow and they won't need me. I have to work all day at my other job so it isn't like I'll just be sitting around all day eating bon bons. If I don't have to work at night then I'll get to go to my normal Tuesday night WI. If I have to work then I'll need to go to the meeting on Thursday. I've never been to that meeting so it might be interesting to go anyway. I'll be near there anyway so we'll see. It looks like my schedule is changing and I might not be able to go to the Tuesday meetings much longer anyway so I might as well get used to a different meeting. There aren't that many meeting options here so work better not get in the way of me being able to go to one. It hasn't come to that so I'm not going to worry about it until it does -- hopefully it won't.

The scale at the gym had me down a little bit from last week's WI. A loss would be great, especially since I haven't really been exercising. If I don't have to work tomorrow night then I'll try hit the gym before the meeting. I'll find out in the afternoon if I have to work. I am hoping that I don't (obviously) so that means I'll probably have to work. Once I'm there I don't care. I just have other things that I'd rather do tomorrow night.

Not much to report

2006-11-26T17:11:00.000-08:00

Things are going along nicely without any to do about anything. I haven't posted in a couple of days so I thought I would now. I have been doing a pretty good job sticking to the program. I am drinking more water than before and I am eating within my point range. The only thing that I'm not doing is exercising. I don't know when I last went to the gym. Isn't that sad? I know I didn't go last week. I think I went once the week before. I was doing so well at going at least 5 times a week. I don't know what happened. There are many times that I could have gone but I haven't. I have to go this Thursday because I have a personal trainer appointment. I am hoping that meeting with her will give me the boost that I need. That is why I signed up to see her, to get a little ooomph going in my workout. Just think how successful at weight loss I could be if I could get the big 3 (points, water, exercise) components working at the same time.

Hiding

2006-11-23T12:19:00.000-08:00

Did you know that hiding from your weight loss goals doesn't make sense? I haven't been posting on blogs and boards in the past couple of days because I haven't been doing a good job losing weight and I didn't want to fess up to it. I know that isn't going to work. Posting and reading other people's blogs and posts is a big support to me and I need to be involved in both the reading and writing aspects. It's like my mom always says, "If you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all." I didn't have anything nice to say -- about my weight loss or my attempts at it. I was kidding myself and I didn't want to admit it. That way of thinking and acting aren't going to get me anywhere except for into bigger sized clothing. I can write all I want about what I'm going to do but until I actually do it nothing has been accomplished.

I love to cook but I haven't been doing it at home. I know that making good, low-point nutritious meals at home will really help my loss. I think because am surrounded by food all day at work that I don't feel like doing anything with it at home. I hate buying frozen meals because I know I can make them fresh for less points and more taste. I have to discipline myself and start making foods at home. It's time to break out the cookbooks and see what I can find.

I have my 1 liter bottle of water by my side. I'm going to seriously drink my water. I haven't been good about drinking my water since I started WW. It's one of the easiest ways to help your body lose weight and I haven't done it at all. How dumb is that? Drinking at least 100oz of water per day is my goal for the week. I have to make it a habit. Water alone will help me in my weight loss quest.

Sometimes I really frustrate myself! I'm sick of being frustrated. I want to be proud.

Things have got to change

2006-11-21T19:49:00.000-08:00

I was up 2 pounds at weigh in tonight. I knew there was going to be a gain. It could have been more. I thought it would be. I did great in the beginning of the week and then Saturday things changed. I started going over on points and I didn't compensate with exercise. Sunday I didn't do a good job of eating within my points. I ate the majority of my food at night and then went to bed early so that was dumb. Yesterday I did a good job during the day but then went out to dinner with the neighbors and made bad choices -- including a brownie sundae for dessert. I didn't drink hardly any water last week and I only exercised once. I think behavior like that shouldn't be rewarded with a loss. This week though...things are going to change.

I will do the following (and will be rewarded with a loss):
* drink 100oz of water per day
* eat every couple of hours
* exercise at least 5 days
* track every single point

Doing all 4 items on the list will ensure that I have given my body the most optimum environment for a loss. At that point it is up to my body and the scale to duke it out. I hope my body wins!

I have an appointment with a new personal trainer next Thursday (11/30) so I want to be down in weight when I meet with her. That reason, among a million others, are why I will stick to my list and be successful.

I am making a little change with the way I keep track of my points. I am going to start my weeks on Wednesdays. I weigh in on Tuesday night so I'm going to have that as the last day of my week. I think it makes sense.

Next week I can't go to my normal WI because I have to work. I am going to go to a different meeting on Thursday night instead of my normal Tuesday night. That is kind of cheating because it gives me 2 extra days to lose weight. It also makes a short week for the week after. It all evens out in the end.

Buying the season pass was the best thing I could have done for myself. I know that I already paid for the meeting so no matter how bad I did and don't want to face the scale I go to the meeting.

The things we do

2006-11-16T18:13:00.000-08:00

I'm not the only one who trys on their clothes just to see if they fit once I've started to lose weight. I know a lot of people do it. I still think it is funny though. I call it my "fashion show." At today's fashion show I tried on my black capris. The ones that I could barely button and definitely could not wear in public, let alone my own home, when I started this weight loss journey. The good news: they fit like they should, are no longer tight on my legs or my belly and look cute. The bad news: it is now winter and I'd sure look funny wearing them now. When the weather becomes capri-appropriate I hope that I can't wear them because they are too big. I have some cute summer clothes that didn't this past summer. I don't want them to fit next summer. Bummer to give away perfectly cute clothes -- fun to buy new, smaller, cuter clothes!!!

I went to my first therapy appointment today. I like her. I'll go back. I think that she'll really help me get my mind into a better place. I want to figure out why I do things and why I think things. After my appointment I went to the library and checked out some books and put in requests for others. I got 2 books to help my mind and one to help relax my brain.

Today has been a good ww day as far as food. Not good though as far as water. I'm working on that now. Dinner is almost ready and that's a good thing because I'm hungry!

Control

2006-11-15T20:30:00.000-08:00

Why is it when I do good on the scale I have a hard time continuing with that gusto? Tonight I am having a hard time not wanting to eat some snacks. I am going to stay out of the kitchen for the rest of the evening. It's what I have to do. I have eaten over my points for the day but I haven't gone overboard. If I stop eating now (which I have) it won't be a bad day. I've used some of my free points and that's why they are available. I am starting to beat myself up and I need to stop it. I have done great and will continue to do so. I have to be strong and want this. I do want this.

I get so annoyed with the people that think they know it all when it comes to weight loss. Less calories consumed than expended and you'll lose weight. Yeah right. That's only one facet in a multi-faceted equation. What about all of the mind games that you play with yourself? What about the constant struggle to be accountable for every morsel you eat? What about facing your success and wondering what will happen if you really do succeed? No wonder it is such an accomplishment when you do reach your goal. Not only are you changing your lifestyle by getting there you are changing your life. The way you think changes. The way you act. The way you dress. The way others perceive you. The way you perceive yourself. Your physical being. Your mental being.

Sure, it's just calories in versus calories used. Simple.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!!!

2006-11-14T22:11:00.000-08:00

I lost 6 pounds this week! 6 pounds!!! I can't believe it! I was expecting a loss but I didn't think it would be that much. I am so excited. I'm getting closer to my 10% and closer to losing 20 pounds. That is very significant. I have a lot to lose but I know I'm getting somewhere. I can't expect a big loss like that every week or anywhere close to it but I can lose weight. I will lose weight. I have to stop sabotaging myself and having weeks where I don't lose or even gain. That is getting me nowhere. It just frustrates me. Food isn't going to control me. I'm not going to let it. For so long it has. When I eat like a pig I don't feel good about it. It never makes me feel better. I don't know why I do it. On the other hand, when I exercise and drink my water and track what I eat I feel great. Gee, which should I do? Exercise is so good for my mind and my body. It really isn't that hard to go. I just have to not be lazy. I have to think about the goal at the end of the road.

The reasons for my success this past week are simple: eating, drinking, exercising, tracking, control. In the past I've had a binge-like celebration after weigh in. I thought I deserved it. I ate whatever I wanted and didn't track it. I counted it as a free day. I would usually have another free day during the week just because I wanted to eat and eat and eat. The week before the big gain I think I had 5 free days. No wonder I gained. I also didn't exercise. This past week I didn't have a celebratory bingefest. I didn't have a free day. I tracked my points. I drank my water. I exercised. This week will be the same. I will make it so that it is as feasibly possible as it can be that I'll have another loss. I know I can't force my body to lose weight. I can do whatever possible to make it as easy to lose weight though. I can follow (as the Islanders say) the D@MN PROGRAM. It works. It requires thought and discipline and desire. I have all three.

I have my first appointment with the therapist on Thursday morning. I'm excited about it. I know that I'm going to be nervous. It will be weird talking to someone that I don't even know about all the things that are personal and mean the most to me.

Work gets in the way

2006-11-12T23:15:00.000-08:00

Work gets in the way of my weight loss.

Too bad I have to work.

Today I worked from 7:30 til 4:30. I was so busy that I didn't even have time for a snack. I was good and actually brought a snack today but there it sat not being enjoyed. They got slammed on Saturday night so we had to replenish everything and make things to be used today. Hopefully tomorrow won't be as crazy and I can actually take a break.

I am going to try and go to the gym tomorrow night. I couldn't go tonight because it closes at 4 on Sundays. I could have walked on the treadmill here but I was exhausted. I tried to watch tv but I fell asleep for a couple of hours. I think the nap will do me good. I need to go to bed soon. I've been staying up too late. My mom says an hour before midnight is worth two after. On that note, I'm going to go to bed to get at least a little sleep.

Getting out there

2006-11-11T22:28:00.000-08:00

Wow, taking a walk in the outdoors is so nice! It is so much nicer than walking on a treadmill. I know that there are times for a treadmill. Treadmills are great inventions. I love treadmills, really. But walking outside is simply lovely. The weather today was crummy. It was rainy and cold. It could have been a great excuse to stay inside. I am so happy that we went for the walk. We walked along the river for an hour. It was uphill and downhill so it was good exercise. We talked the whole time so I didn't realize how long we walked. I checked my watch when we got back to the car and was surprised.

Today was a really nice day. I like hanging out with C. She is really nice. I can see us becoming friends. She seems quite down to earth. She's new here too and is looking to meet people.

After the hike we went to lunch. I had a relatively healthy one. I tracked my points and I planned accordingly for dinner. I did have a late night snack but I counted the points. So I guess that's okay. I think the biggest problem with late night snacking is eating without thinking about it. If you have the points for it why can't you eat them? It is all the same with calories, right? I guess part of it is because of your metabolism. I don't know. Obviously.

I am happy about this week so far. I've done a good job being realistic. That's the hardest thing to do sometimes. You have to be realistic about what you are eating. You have to be realistic about how hard you are exercising. You have to be realistic about what you can do.

Good night

2006-11-09T23:22:00.000-08:00

The dinner party was successful. I didn't overeat. I ate enough but didn't feel full. I had a really good time. I have no idea how many points I ate but I didn't overeat by any means. I had 2 glasses of wine -- not those really big glasses either. I had the normal size pours. The reason I consider it a very big success is because I didn't come home and eat more. I have done that in the past. I eat more, not because I am still hungry, but because I figure that I ate off program and I might as well eat whatever I can find. When I got home I didn't want to eat anything. I am even in the kitchen on the computer and have opened the refridgerator a couple of times to get my water out. Yes, my water. I didn't have a little more wine after I got home. I went straight to water. I've had a couple of glasses so I'm getting my quota in for the day.

I know I have a long way to go and that every day is going to be a challenge but I am feeling good about things right now. I feel like I can do this. I know I want it. I know there isn't an option of not doing it. I might as well stay on program and get to goal as quickly as I can. That way I can buy a lot of fun, cute new clothes. Just think how much more fun shopping is going to be!

Things are getting better

2006-11-09T12:56:00.000-08:00

There are plenty of good things that are happening for me and it is making me happy. Today is day 3 of being on program. I am going to a dinner party tonight so I know there will be tempting food there. There are going to be some people there that I've never met so I'm going to focus on the social aspect of the evening and not the food. I've had food before and I'll have it again. It isn't like the lady that is hosting the party is a world-reknowned famous chef and I have to try all of her food. I will have some wine -- but I have the points for that. I'm excited to get out for a social event.

As far as my social life goes I'm actually busy for the next 3 days! Tonight is the dinner party. Tomorrow night I'm going bowling. Saturday I'm going to do something with a woman that I met at my social club. I'm not sure what we are going to do yet. Maybe a hike then some lunch or depending on the weather a movie or a pub. I'm excited at the prospect of meeting a new friend. As much as I don't like to put myself out there to meet people I know that I have to or else I'll be lonely.

I have my first therapist appointment next Thursday. I talked to her today on the phone for a couple of minutes to see if I thought she'd be a good person for me to meet with. In that short time I already spewed some tears. I'm going to be a mess. I know it is something that I need to do though. I need to go for myself and hopefully figure out some of the reasons I am why I am. Hopefully I will figure out why my inner hunger demon exists and can make him go away. I also have all sorts of other things that I need to get out. I don't really know what to expect. The only reference I have is from what I've seen on movies.

I need to take the dog for a walk before I go out tonight but it looks so chilly and windy out there. I'm warm in here. I know I need to go though. It's just the beginning of the bad weather. I can't let a little wind and cold hold me back.

Taking steps

2006-11-08T23:43:00.000-08:00

I'm getting back on track and I'm really happy about it. Today completes day 2 of sticking it to the program. I ate within my alloted points. In fact I have some left. It is so nice to know what I ate and to know that I am in control of what I'm putting in my body. I could have eaten better foods. I ended up eating a couple of 2 pt bars just so that I'd get some food. Going from job to job and not having a break at either makes it hard to eat healthy. I usually don't eat anything when I work so it was good that I ate something even if it was "fake" food.

Why is it that one day you can be so gung ho about doing WW and you just know that you are going to be successful and will get to your goal and then the next day you can't seem to follow the WW plan at all? All last week I was horrid at following the plan. This week I'm a champion. Well, not a champion, but a pretty darn good participant.

What if the scale does lie?

2006-11-07T22:25:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think we need bad weeks in order to get ourselves back on track in a big way. After having a pretty much non-existent WW week I'm ready to take charge again. I'm ready to work at it. I'm ready to get my butt in the gym. I'm ready to drink as much water as my body can handle. I'm ready to be successful.

I've been losing weight as long as I can remember. I can't remember gaining it back though. All of a sudden there it is and I think, "when did that happen?" It is different this time. This time I can actually picture what I will look like when I've lost the weight. I see myself thin. I've had a big problem with this before. It's kind of neat.

I know that losing weight isn't going to solve all of my problems. I'm not expecting that once I'm thin that everything will be perfect and I'll be happy. I know that losing weight will help my confidence and my self esteem and that's what I need.

Last week was really bad for me. Not just in the weight loss sense. I mentally had a bad week. I'm having a hard time right now because I don't have any goals -- professionally speaking. I don't know what I want to do when I grow up. I'm pretty close to being all grown up so I better figure it out soon. I don't know if the job at the restaurant is for me. I am getting better at it and am enjoying it more. I don't know what the future is there though. I'm having a hard time with that. I still want to be a personal chef. I think there is the market for it here. I need to meet more people and get contacts before I can start that dream though. I figure I should give myself a year at the restaurant and see where things stand. I need to get a good reference from them. I am liking working at the store a lot too. I think that I could work there and do the personal chef thing. I am not going anywhere any time soon at either place so I'm going to do my best to learn as much as I can and work and as hard as I can. I think another problem I'm having is that I don't have much going on besides work and trying to lose weight and get fit. My focus is constantly on those three things. I think once I get settled here and have some friends and go out and do fun things then work won't be such a monumental part of what's going on with me. I'll be happy that I don't have to worry about taking work home with me. I'll be happy to konw that I have a job (or 2).

I've put myself through a lot of change in the past couple of months. It's been a lot for me to handle and deal with. I have had to do it pretty much on my own. I am waiting for my life to get started again. It's like I'm in training or pre-season right now and I'm getting ready for the real thing to get going. When it does I'll be happy.

TOM is in control

2006-11-07T00:02:00.000-08:00

I swear TOM has taken control of my life. I keep eating out of control and I am blaming it on TOM. I am not excited about weigh in tomorrow. I will be above the 200lb mark and that makes me mad. Mad at myself. I didn't do anything this week to prevent that from happening. In fact, it seems like I did everything that I could in order to go above that mark. I am disappointed in myself. This past week was a bad weight watchers week. I didn't do a very good job eating. I didn't show that I cared about losing weight. I am not going to dwell on it though. I had a bad week. That's what I'm going to chalk it up to. I'm not perfect. I never claim to be.

My weight week starts over on Tuesdays. Tomorrow -- thank goodness -- is Tuesday. That means a new week. That means a new start. That means a new chance. To tell you the truth I'm sick of eating. I wish I didn't have to eat. I thought about doing SlimFast today just so that I wouldn't have to deal with food. I could drink everything and not have to worry about eating. I know that isn't healthy and it isn't realistic so it was a fleeting thought.

Chug, chug, chug, splat

2006-11-05T21:48:00.000-08:00

I am going along at a good pace. I'm recording my points. I'm eating my fruits and veggies. I'm drinking my water. I'm hitting the gym and enjoying the exercise. And splat! All my good momentum has come to an end. I can't seem to eat well. I start every day off on a good note. I make sure that I eat breakfast before going to work. That is a feat in itself when I have to be at work at 7:30. Then the day goes on like normal. THEN...it all goes downhill. I get home and any good intention that I have is gone. I start to eat and once I start I can't stop until I am full. This has been happening pretty much every day since Tuesday. I had one good eating day last one. One. I am so utterly disappointed in myself. I don't want to go to my meeting on Tuesday because I don't want to face the scale. I know this is no way to act. I know that not going isn't going to change my weight. If I don't go it doesn't mean that next week I'll be better about my eating and will get back on track. I am afraid that if I don't get back on track I'm going to end up so far off track that I'll have a hard time getting back on.

I have to go to the meeting. I know I do. I have already paid for it because I bought a season pass. There's no excuse not to go. In fact, there's no reason not to go except for fear of admitting to my mistakes. It will probably be ugly, but I know that going in.

Today I got TOM. I think that had something to do with my out-of-control eating. I at least hope that is the reason. I guess if it was easy to stick to the WW plan then I wouldn't need the WW plan. Tomorrow is Monday and that means the gym is back to the longer hours -- the one reason I don't like the weekend is because the hours at the gym are short. I will go tomorrow night. I know that the good feeling of exercising will help get me back on track.

I figure if I have a good day tomorrow and again on Tuesday maybe, just maybe, the number on the scale won't be that bad.

Today is my ex bf's birthday. I figured I should say Happy Birthday. I didn't want not say it and regret it. I didn't want to call him because our last conversation was horrid and I don't know if I ever want to talk to him again. That's the problem with him (well, one of the problems), I never know how he'll be when I talk to him. He could be nice or he could be a total raging asshole. Usually he's the latter. So, I figured I'd write him a simple e-mail that just said happy birthday. That way it was done and I don't have to think about it any more.

I was really upset on Friday night. Really upset. I feel better today. My dad called me on Saturday night just to say hi. That was really nice. It was nice to talk to him. When he called I thought that he was calling to ask me about some mail I got or some bill that I owed but he didn't bring it up at all. It meant a lot to me that he called. It made me feel a little bit better about myself and that maybe I'm not such a failure after all.

Today is R&J's 1st Anniversary. I called to wish them a happy one. I ended up talking to R for over an hour. It was the first time I've talked to him in a while. It was a real conversation. Not just a hey how's it going talk. I miss him. I miss seeing him. I know it's been years since we've lived near each other but I still miss my little bro.

Tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to take advantage of that. I'm going to be responsible for my eating. I'm going to drink my water. I'm going to exercise. I'm going to have a day that, when I get into bed at the end of, I can feel good about it and myself. I am responsible for myself and I am responsible to make myself feel good. If I can't do that for myself no one else will be able to. It's going to be a good day.

Just another day

2006-11-04T00:24:00.000-08:00

Today was a good eating day. I stayed within my points. I actually have 2 left. I thought about using them up but there wasn't anything that I wanted and so I will just leave them alone. Yesterday I had too many points so it's okay not to have all of them today.

I didn't go to the gym but I did get 45 minutes of exercise in. I walked along the beach and then up the hill. It wasn't a strenous walk. The hill was though. It was a lot easier to walk up than it was when I first moved here though. I didn't feel like I was going to die when I got to the top.

Working from 3-8 makes it hard to eat normally for the day. Granted I ate breakfast at about noon and therefore wasn't hungry when I went to work. When I don't eat before I go to work I end up getting hungry at about 6 and then I get cranky. No one needs cranky. When that happens I am usually so hungry when I get home that I don't care what I eat. That is when I end up eating a bunch of crap that I shouldn't eat. If I was smart I would have made something earlier in the day that I could heat up when I got home. Tonight I made a turkey and cheese sandwich and had some soup. It filled me up and didn't cost too many points. Right when I got off work I ate a 2 point bar. I think that helped me eat sensibly when I got home. I didn't feel ravenous. My inner hunger demon didn't wake up when I walked into the kitchen to find something to eat.

I think I'm going to go see a therapist. I've been wanting to go see one for a while but I just haven't. Tonight I was really feeling like I needed to talk to someone. I think talking out a lot of things that are going on with me will really help me. Writing things out in the blog is really helpful but I think that I need more -- at least right now. I want to find out why I do things. I want to find out why I have the inner hunger demon that takes over and leaves me feeling completely out of control. I want to know why I act like I do with food. I don't know if she'll be able to give me any answers but I think it's worth a try. I just know that I need to do this for me. I'm feeling quite lonely and unhappy lately and I need to know that I'm going to be okay.

Day for me

2006-11-02T15:48:00.000-08:00

Today is the one day of the week that I have off work. I spent the day concentrating on me. It feels nice to not have to worry about anyone but me and what I want to do. I never used to do that. I was always concerned with what "he" wanted to do and since we were always together I never had a chance to worry about me. Today as soon as I got up I got dressed for the gym. After some putzing around I headed to the gym. They started a new class called Yolates. It's a mixture of yoga and pilates. I liked it. I have a lot of improving to do but I know I will. The class will help me get stronger and leaner. They offer it 3 times a week but I can only fit it in twice. That's okay though. There are a lot of other classes that I like to do. After the class I headed over to the weights room and got to work. I haven't lifted in a while and it felt good. I know I should do it. It is proven to be beneficial but for some reason I slack off when it comes to weights. After 30 minutes in the weight room I did 30 minutes on the elliptical. That gave me a total of 105 minutes of exercise today and toward my 1300 minute goal.

After the gym I took myself out to coffee. I went to a coffee shop that I've been wanting to try. I had a cappucino and read the newspaper. I felt like I was on a mini vaca. After that I did some minor shopping and then headed home. I am now enjoying a roaring fire and sipping on hot chocolate and sitting at the computer. It is quite a nice day off, I must say.

Tomorrow I'm back to work but not until the afternoon so I can go to the gym in the morning. There's a great class that I'm excited to go to. I never used to attend the classes that they offered at the gym until joining this gym. Maybe it is because it is a ladies only gym and I don't feel as intimidated to join in the classes even though many times I'm clueless as what to do. I am glad that I started doing the classes in the summer when they were pretty empty. I didn't feel as bad bumbling around when I had a lot of room to do so. Now, because the weather is getting crappy, people are coming indoors to exercise and the classes are filling up. Even though I don't know exactly what I'm doing I feel a lot more comfortable in them so I'm enjoying myself. Exercise classes are really fun. I don't think so much about them being exercise because I'm focusing on the moves rather than what it is taking to get me to make the moves. I'd recommend a class to anyone that is finding it hard to get to the gym.

It's a new month....I love it

2006-11-01T18:13:00.000-08:00

No matter what I'm always in a good mood on the first day of each new month. At least my day starts out with me in a good mood. Things can happen during the day that change my mood, but for the most part it is a good one. I have so much optimism when a new month starts. I make all sorts of plans for the month and what is going to happen including how much weight I'm going to lose, how much water I'll drink, how much exercise I'll fit in, how many fun things I'll do...the list goes on and on. This month I'm especially optimistic about my weight loss and exercise. I haven't had exercise be as big of a part of my daily routine as it has become. Before when I was on an "exercise kick" I'd constantly by thinking of when I could get my exercise in. I wouldn't do it most of the time and I'd feel guilty about it. This time is different. I am liking exercise. I haven't been lifting weights. I need to. I want to set up another appointment with the personal trainer but I don't want to have a session and have to tell her that I haven't been doing what she already told me to do. Maybe I do need to see her to get a boost in the weight lifting department. I'm doing a great job getting the cardio in. I have been doing various exercise classes, which I love. I have been doing your basic aerobic classes including step. I've done cardio kickbox which was great fun. I have done yoga. I have done all sorts of things and I will continue to try new classes.

Tomorrow I have the day off. I have a lot to do around the house. The house is in desperate need of a good cleaning. The mess from the wood stove is enough to take up the day. I am planning on heading to the gym for a 10:15 yolates class. It's a class they just started offering so I'm wondering what it's all about. The class is only 45 minutes so even if it kicks my butt I can last that long. Depending on how I feel afterward I'll probably hit the cardio equipment for a while since I''ll already be there. It would be a good time to hit the weights but I'm not promising anything.

I have yoga tonight. It is the class that I paid $35 to attend 4 sessions. I think the lady is crazy and I'm really disappointed in the class. I don't feel like we do very much yoga. At the end of the class I feel like it is a bit of a waste of my time driving there and back. So, since this is the last class, I'm not going. I just don't feel like it. I can do the same, and more, yoga poses at home. I don't feel like she's offering me anything new. There's a second session that starts next week that is supposed to follow in the footsteps of the first class. I will definitely not be attending that session. I am hoping that the yolates class is more what I'm looking for. It is free with my gym membership so it's already better.

October comes to a close

2006-10-31T22:02:00.000-08:00

I did it! I reached my exercise goal. Today I finished the 1200 minutes I had set out for the month of October. It feels great to reach a goal that I have total control over.

October has been a good month. In addition to the 1200 minutes of exercise that I accumulated I also lost 6 pounds this month. Tonight at WI I was up .2 from last week. That's okay though because it means that I am at under 200 for the second week in a row and that last week wasn't a fluke. I didn't do very well this week with keeping on the points. I had some bad eating days, including last night. I was spontanieously invited to dinner at a neighbor's house. I couldn't say no because I might not be invited again. I know that the exercise that I got in this week helped me not to gain more than the .2. This upcoming week is going to be a good one for weight loss, I can just feel it.

Goals for the week: (I'm all about the goals right now.)
1. drink 100oz of water daily
2. exercise at least 5 days
3. eat a snack at work
4. write down every point

I think achieving those goals will help me drop at least 2 lbs this week. That would be great! I've been having a really hard time lately getting my water in. I know that drinking it will really help me get the pounds off yet I don't do it. Starting November 1st though, you are going to see a change. I'm going to drink, drink, drink my water. Believe it!

Tonight I weighed myself on the gym scale before my actual weigh in. We have the medical scale where you slide the weights to the numbers. It was such a sense of accomplishment to not have the big weight at the 200 mark. I can't wait until it gets down another notch. I'll almost be at goal by then!

Tonight I knew that I had to get in 65 minutes of exercise. I went through the motions but I didn't "feel" it tonight. I ran for 10 minutes. I didn't feel like running any longer. I didn't feel like I had the energy. Plus, my knee has been acting up a bit and I didn't want to aggravate it. I figure it is unhappy with me trying to do all of this exercising at such a high weight. What a catch-22. Your joints hurt if you exercise when you are heavy but you need to exercise so that you aren't heavy. Hmmmmm. I figure it will get better as my weight decreases and my muscles strengthen. Maybe an activity like running isn't the best one for me right now. I can do lower impact exercises until I lose a bit more weight and then we'll see how my knee likes running. It was a good thing that I had an exercise goal to accomplish and that I had to go to WI or else I would have walked out of the gym a lot earlier -- if I even got my butt in the door. When I left I didn't really feel like I did that much to burn calories but in looking back I did run for 10 minutes and I did a 45 minute fat burner workout on the treadmill and I rode the bike for 20 minutes. It wasn't a sweat-pouring-off-me workout, but it was a good workout nonetheless. I am happy that I went. I am really happy that I'm managing to make exercise an everyday part of my life. My my my how things change.

Why set goals?

2006-10-30T20:31:00.000-08:00

Today I figured out something that I already knew. (Does that make sense?) I figured out the purpose of setting a goal. Sure, I've always known why you set a goal. You set one so that you have a landmark to signify that you achieved something. Today I figured out another reason...you set a goal so you work towards it. I'm sure that the majority of the human race already knows this but I'm a little slow on catching on. Anyway, today I got home from work and instead of coming inside and turning on the computer and sitting down I immediately changed into clothes suitable for going for a walk with the dog. As soon as I was changed I left the house and got back in the car and drove to the trail. I went for the walk because I knew that I had to get in 115 minutes of exercise between now and 12:01 am Nov. 1. I knew that I wouldn't be able to get it all in tomorrow and I didn't want to end up a couple minutes short of my goal. So, because of the goal that I had set and was so close to accomplishing, I went for the walk. Had I not set the goal you better believe that I would have sat down in my chair and not given a walk a second thought.

It is great to have goals. It is even greater to have goals that you can and want to accomplish. Anyone can set a goal. If you don't care if you reach the goal and just set it for the sake of setting a goal then what's the point? If you really care about setting the goal you will do what you can in order to reach it. When you do you will feel so great. I haven't reached my goal yet, but I see the finish line.

What to write?

2006-10-29T17:02:00.000-08:00

I feel as though I should write but I don't have a topic so I think I'll just ramble.

Yesterday wasn't a good WW day for me. I ate horribly. At least I got back on track today. I almost didn't. I almost kept on the bad track and kept eating and eating. Thank goodness I came to my senses and didn't let that happen. I had a good breakfast at 6am -- it equated to 8 points. I had my dairy so that's a plus. I also took my multi-vitamin. I didn't have anything else to eat all day until after I got off work at 3:30. I had a bag of trail mix. I love the little packet because you know how many calories you are eating. It is so easy to add up the calories when eating trail mix. The mix saved me from certain doom at the grocery store. I stopped at the store to pick up a few things that I needed. I decided to wander around the store even after I had everything that I went in the store for. I even perused the deli section looking for delicious foods that they had prepared. I didn't buy a thing from the deli. Not even the sushi that looked like it would be oh so tasty. I am proud of myself that I didn't give in and get something just because it looked good and because I ate poorly yesterday. It would have been so easy to tack on today's eating to yesterday and say I'll start again tomorrow. If that happened then I could see myself adding on Monday as well and starting over again on Tuesday. I didn't though. I stayed strong. I am so happy that I didn't let my inner hunger demon win.

I honestly think that last week's weigh in saved me from eating out of control yesterday and continuing on. Yes, I ate poorly yesterday but it could have been so much worse. I weighed in at 199.6 last week. I was finally under 200 for the first time in a long time. My clothes are starting to fit better. I am feeling better about myself. I'm gaining confidence. I'm also getting physically stronger. All of these things show me that WW does work and that I'm succeeding. I am making positive changes to my mind and my body and I will be rewarded for those changes. I don't want to weigh 200 pounds again. Ever. I know that it isn't worth it to eat bad foods because they don't make me feel better. They make me feel horrible. I have lapses in strength every once in a while. I'm not going to even try to say that I don't. There are times when I feel like my inner hunger demon has taken over and he can't get enough food. At those times I'm embarrassed for myself. At those times I don't feel like myself. I am working on not letting those times happen.

I am glad the weekend is over because that means the gym goes back to its longer hours. I don't like the gym for one reason -- the hours. Saturday they are open from 8-5 and Sunday 8-4. I couldn't make it either day this weekend. I only have tomorrow and Tuesday to make my exercise goal for the month so I'm definitely going tomorrow and Tuesday. I have weigh in on Tuesday evening right across the street from the gym so I am going before WI. The exercise will help get an extra ounce or two off.

Halloween

2006-10-27T13:22:00.000-07:00

I hate Halloween. I think it is designed for skinny people. If you are skinny then it is fun to dress up in a cute little (and I'm emphasizing little) costume and prance about asking for candy and whatnot. At least I think it would be fun to dress up in a little costume. I've never been skinny. Being me and the size I've been at on each and every Halloween I haven't liked dressing up. I think it is stressful. I always made myself look ugly or scary. This year I'm not dressing up. I am happy that I have to work so I don't have to go to the party that I was invited to. Isn't that sad? Next year though I'm going to love Halloween and I'm going to dress up in a cute costume and have a great time.

On to more positive topics...I went to the gym this morning and did the Hi/Lo class. It kicked my butt. I don't think I had much energy this morning. I went because I knew it would be an easy way to get 60 minutes of exercise in. Making my exercise goal is pretty much all I'm focusing on right now. I've even made new spreadsheets for the next two months. I'm adding an additional 100 minutes on per month. I've already earned my recommended 28 APs for the week and it's only Day 4. Look at me go! =) It's amazing how much positivity one can get from exercising. Why, if your body loves exercise so much and feels so much better after doing it, is it such a fight to get yourself to exercise? Sweating feels great. It is cleansing for both the body and the mind.

Feels like winter

2006-10-26T16:17:00.000-07:00

It is gross out today. It is gray, cold and rainy. It feels like winter. Of course this weather happens on my day off. It is the perfect day to stay inside and read. So, what did I do? I actually got off my butt and left the house. I figured that if this is what winter is going to be like here I can't start using the excuse of bad weather to not get out there. I ran a bunch of errands and then took the dog for a walk in the woods. I thought that the trees would have better cover from the rain than they did so we got wet. The dog got wet and muddy but he had a great time. Dogs do smile and he had a big grin on his furry little face. I always feel like a better person when I take him for a walk.

So far so good on the eating and exercising this week. Today I had a great "real food" breakfast and tonight I'm having pot roast, baked potato and broccoli or green beans. I've had the pot roast in the crock pot all day so it is making the house smell yummy. I feel so much better about doing WW when I eat real food. I don't like eating things just because they fit in my points puzzle. I do it all the time though.

I hit 1025 exercise minutes today. Yeah me! Only 175 to go. That is such a reachable goal that I would be severly disappointed in myself for not reaching it. There are only 5 days left this month. That's 35 minutes a day.

Two post day

2006-10-25T21:58:00.000-07:00

I feel like I should write 2 posts today. I am excited because I followed through on what I planned to do with exercise. I went to the step class and then stayed for yoga. That is 120 minutes of exercise today, plus the 10 on the bike prior to class just to kill time. That means I've done 985 minutes of exercise this month and I have 215 more to make my goal. Incredible! I am so proud of myself because I felt like I was starting to get really lazy and not exercise but the chart that I created is proof that I have been exercising. I know I could do better -- much better -- but I'll be happy to reach my goal. Now I just have to be sure I do. I am planning on going to the gym tomorrow and again on Friday. The weather is crappy tonight and is supposed to be tomorrow too. I know the dog really wants to go for a walk so no matter how ugly it is outside I'll take him tomorrow, even if it is just a short walk. He'll be so much happier (and healthier) for it and so will I.

Onderland!

2006-10-25T14:36:00.000-07:00

Amazing! My weigh in was great. I weighed 199.6. That's officially Onderland. I am so happy. I will never be in the 200s ever again. Never ever ever ever. That's a promise to myself.

Yesterday before my WI I went to the gym. I had some time to kill before the meeting because I had just gotten off work. I didn't want to drive all the way home and then back. It is quite convenient that the gym is located across the street from WW. I was ready to go hop on a machine and work out but there was a cardio kickbox class about to start as I was walking by. To my surprise I joined the class. I've always wanted to do a kickboxing class but I've been intimidated. I loved it. I must admit my form and style left something to be desired but I will get better with practice. It is a great class -- you sweat a lot. I think part of the reason is all of the arm work. Arm work really gets your heart going. I will definitely do it again.

Tonight I have yoga. I am thinking about going to the gym early and doing the cardio class before it. I have 345 minutes to go to make my 1200 minute goal for the month of October. That doesn't include the 60 minutes I'll have from yoga. If I go to the class before then I'll have another 60 minutes. It's a basic step class. I should go. I'm going to the gym anyway.

I think that I may have had the last conversation that I will ever have with my ex-bf. Thank God. From the second I decided to leave I knew it was the right thing to do but now I am even more convinced. The conversation we had the other night surprised me in many ways. In some respects I think he was just saying things to make me upset or think that he didn't care as much as he really did. All I know is I am happy to be out of that relationship. Really, really happy. I have had to come a long way and start over but I am happy to be out of it. It could have lasted the rest of my life. I'm glad it didn't last a second longer. I know that he is jealous that I'm living here. He would love it here. Too bad for him.

2006-10-24T03:20:00.000-07:00

It's 3 in the morning and obviously I"m up. I am pissed off right now. I got of the phone with my ex-bf about a half hour ago and I'm mad. There are some business issues that need to be resolved and since things were set up in my name I need to change them over. What a pain in the ass. When I talk to him I am reassured that I did the right thing by leaving. He can be so awful to talk to. He doesn't listen. He just hears what he wants to hear. The relationship didn't end well and that is my fault. I didn't handle breaking up very well. I hate confrontation. I am so glad it is over. I had to make a lot of changes because of the relationship ending but no matter what I have to go through I am happier than I would have been had I stayed. Tonight he was being especially awful and saying really mean things about my mom. They didn't get along. He kept going on and on and on. I don't really feel like sitting on the phone listening to him. Who knows, I may not talk to him again. He acts like he is so superior and it drives me crazy. I think this may be the last thing that I had to speak to him about. Hopefully it is.

Later today is weigh in. I didn't go last week because I was busy and couldn't make it to the meeting. That is one problem of living in a small town -- there aren't very many choices for meetings. I would love to be below 200, but I don't think that is going to happen. I haven't done much exercise lately. I went for a walk the other day and I went to yoga, I also did some ab, leg and arm work with the balance ball the night before last. I haven't been eating that badly, but I haven't been tracking my points very well. I canceled my online account and am just doing it on paper with the tools they supply from the meetings. I don't know if it is harder it's just I haven't been doing it. I track the points in my mind per meal and I have a general idea of what I've eaten but I don't know for sure. Tomorrow I'm looking for a fresh start though. I know the meeting will get me back on track. My main problem is the lack of exercise. It is hard to want to go to the gym when I've been on my feet all day at work. When I get home I want to sit down. I certainly don't want to go run or walk or go on the eliptical machine. I have to start doing that though. I know that I've been thinking that since I'm always on the move at work it isn't as important for me to get some exercise in. I'm wrong about that though. I'm just making excuses for my laziness.

Feeling good

2006-10-22T20:58:00.000-07:00

I am feeling pretty good about my control over eating lately. I am by no means perfect and only eating the things that I should but I am not eating out of control like I was before. I'm not mindlessly nibbling on things. I'm also not nibbling on things while I'm waiting for my meal to be ready to eat. Today when I was at work I was really hungry and I went over in my mind all of the things that I could eat for dinner. I ran the gamut from nachos to a big burrito to roaming the grocery store to find something that sounds good. I am happy to say that I didn't have any of those things. I had to go to the store and I even stopped in the chip aisle. I should say I paused; I didn't stop to pick up some chips. I went home and made myself some left over rice and turkey with pasta sauce. Sounds pretty unappetizing doesn't it? It was alright but I wouldn't make it as a meal. It was dinner though and it was good enough.

I logged another 30 minutes of exercise today. I did abs, stretches and arms and leg work with the balance ball. It felt good to do some low key exercises like that. Even though I wasn't breathing hard I felt like I was doing something. I didn't do any push ups because my wrist has been bothering me lately. I did some resistance training for my arms so it's okay that I didn't do any push ups.

not much to say

2006-10-21T23:29:00.000-07:00

I don't have much weight-related things to talk about today. I did a good job of eating my points today -- I even included some vegetables. I was home all day and didn't randomly snack which is an accomplishment. To tell you the truth I'm kind of sick of food. That's sad for someone who wants to make their profession as a chef. I'm not sick of cooking, but I'm sick of eating. Nothing sounds good. If I could eat anything I wanted right now I don't know what I'd pick because nothing sounds that good. I need to go through my cookbooks and find some exciting recipes.

I've been in a weird mood the past couple of days. I need to get out of it because it is turning me into a hermit. I would rather be at home then go and do things. I like going to work because then I talk to people but when I'm off work I like being home. I am concerned about money right now so I don't want to go spend any. I figure the easiest way to save money is to stay home. I don't want to go buy a bunch of groceries so that I can make some wonderful recipes because I don't want to spend the money on something that I won't even feel like eating. My financial situation will improve soon because I am going to start getting paychecks. I've gone through almost all my money and I haven't had an income since June except for 2 checks from catering. Those checks didn't go far. I admit I was stupid with my money in the beginning. I bought things that I didn't need to buy but I thought I'd get a job sooner than I did. It will be okay though. I am going to get paid this upcoming week for both jobs. It is going to be so nice to have a steady income.

The other part of my weird mood is I've been reflecting on my relationship with S. I'm mad at myself for letting it go on for so long. In retrospect it wasn't what I wanted. I am mad for letting myself settle. I thought that I was doing what I should be doing. I wasn't. I'd rather be alone then be in a relationship that I am not happy in. If nothing else I've learned that.

I was scheduled to work today but I got a call that they didn't need me. It was a nice surprise. I could use the day off. I'm working 6 days a week after all and this was a short shift. I spent the day at home and didn't do much. I didn't even organize the guest room which I really need to do. I didn't feel like doing anything. I can't believe it is almost midnight. The day went by soooooo fast. I need to go to bed because I am working tomorrow morning and I have to get up early.

The nice thing about living alone is that you can really do what you want. I didn't want to do anything today so I didn't. I know there will be a point when I'm going to really want some friends to do things with, but for now I'm enjoying being alone. Making new friends is such an effort. I'm not ready for the effort yet.

Things add up

2006-10-20T12:03:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how things add up when you aren't thinking about them. I have been tracking my exercise minutes to hit a goal of 1200 for the month. I realized today that I've exercise 735 minutes so far this month. I think that's pretty good, especially since I've been feeling rather lazy lately. There are only 11 days left this month so I better get to work on getting all of the rest of the minutes done. I'll feel like I've had a great accomplishment when I can see that I exercised all those minutes.

I took the dog for a walk this morning first thing. It was great to get out there in the crisp air and walk. I know he loves me a little bit more today because of it.

I've decided to stop paying for WW online. I am going to meetings. I don't want to pay for both. It doesn't make sense to. It is easier to look up points online and it is an easy way to track my weight loss in a chart but there are other options out there that are free. It is going to take more work on my part to track everything but it is worth the $17 a month for me.

Things I've learned

2006-10-19T15:11:00.000-07:00

You need to put yourself first. You need to do nice things for yourself. Sadly I have just learned this over the past couple of months. Other people have known this their whole lives. They have always made sure that they are taken care of first and foremost. I have had the tendency to put others first and myself last. I wanted to make sure that everyone else had what they needed. Even if I missed out.

Why is it so hard?

2006-10-19T00:47:00.000-07:00

I was doing such a good job at this and now it has become a struggle. I am disappointed yet I'm not doing anything to reduce my disappointment. That makes me even more frustrated. Why can't I be stronger? Why do I let my inner voice win? I could come up with some excuses -- pretty good ones at that -- but they don't change the facts. I haven't got myself back on track yet. I didn't track any points or do much exercise while my parents where here. I have a problem being strong and sticking to the program when I'm around my mom. I even told her that I was doing WW and that didn't help. I treat her visit like I'm on vacation.

I told myself I was getting back on track today. That didn't really happen. Well, it did and it didn't. I didn't track points. I meant to. I ordered food with the full intent of tracking points but when I tried to look up the points I couldn't find the information. I didn't end up eating the chili that I ordered, but I did have the garlic bread. I also had a cappucino (accidentally) and a donut (what?!?). I say I had the cappucino accidentally because I ordered the coffee at the drive through and I thought I was ordering French Vanilla flavored coffee. I didn't realize that it was a cappucino. I drank it and it was so delicious that I couldn't stop and it wasn't until I got home that I realized what I had ordered. I thought it was a super delicious cup of coffe -- I even had them put cream in it. I bet they thought I was a piggy freak! And to top it off when they asked if I'd like to add a donut to get a deal I said yes. I haven't had a donut in forever I don't know what possessed me to have one today. It was quite good.

I didn't eat dinner tonight until about 10. I had yoga at 8 and I didn't want to eat before class. When I got home I was really hungry so I just started eating. I know myself and I know better than to do this. I ended up making a turkey and cheese quesadilla plus a cheese quesadilla (melted cheese on a tort in the micro -- how gourmet). It wasn't even good but I ate it. Stupid me.

Anyway, long story short, I don't know how many points I ate today. I did go to yoga and we did do a couple of hard things so I would say I earned a couple of APs. I rode the bike for 10 minutes before the class, but that was just to kill time.

I have tomorrow off. I am so excited to sleep in. I don't have to be at work until 3 on Friday or Saturday. I get to sleep in 3 days in a row. I should get my lazy butt to the gym all three days -- there isn't a reason not to.

Thanks for the support

2006-10-17T21:47:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how reading other people's blogs can affect me. I had planned a snack -- either ice cream or a quesadilla -- and I was going to make it after reading one more blog. Before I got to the end of the blog I had a whole new outlook on my life. It wasn't that blog so much that changed my thinking but the overall feeling of the blogs I had read tonight. Everyone seems to be struggling. People are frustrated with themselves. They have worked hard and changed their lifestyle and yet they are still struggling with their weight. I too am struggling. I am struggling to get the momentum that I had back. I am struggling to stop eating bad food and convincing myself that I can start again tomorrow. I thought about it and realized that I didn't want that food I was planning on eating. I wanted to do something nice for me instead of bad for my body, my mind and my spirit. Instead, I did a facial treatment and made a cup of tea and got into my cozy pjs. I feel so much better now and I know that I didn't give in to having something just for the sake of having it. I didn't need it, I wasn't even hungry. I just thought I wanted it. I would rather be thin. I'll take a facial and a tea any day!

I'm back

2006-10-16T19:57:00.000-07:00

It seems like it's been forever since I've written here. It's been quite a busy week. My parents left this morning. They have been here since the 7th. It is always a challenge to eat healthy and exercise when my parents are here. There is always something going on. We are always going out to dinner at someone's house or are going out to eat at a restaurant to meet people. I had to work all week during the day so I didn't get to exercise very much. I did get two good walks in with my dad and a yoga class -- but that's it. I guess it isn't that bad. It is 3 days out of 7. That's certainly better than before I started to exercise. I thought of this past week as a free week. Tomorrow is weigh in, so I'm back on track. Even though it was a free week I didn't go crazy. I thought about what I ate before I ate it. I didn't eat some things because I knew that I shouldn't because they were a waste of points.

I wonder how many calories I burn while at work. I'm in constant motion. Even if I'm standing still I'm moving my upper body. I'm sure I burn a lot more calories than when I used to sit behind a desk.

I am proud of myself for a couple of reasons: I went to my weigh in even though my parents were here (I was up 1.4 lbs but it WAS the day after Thanksgiving), I went to my yoga class even though I had to be woken up from a fantastic nap in order to go, and I told my mom that I was doing Weight Watchers. Before I told her she gave me an unsolicited compliment that I looked like I had lost weight. She doesn't give me many compliments on my weight so when I get one it is really nice. It made me want to achieve my goal even more. My parents are coming back for Christmas and so are my sister, her husband and their son. I am so excited for their visit. I am using it as a "mile marker" to stay strong on program until they get here.

Thanksgiving weekend begins

2006-10-06T18:03:00.000-07:00

Bring on the turkey, the gravy, the mashed potatoes, and the pie. Bring them on I say, because I'm only going to have a little bit of them. It is possible to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner and not overdo it. I have to work at 7am the next day so I can't even overdo it in the wine.

My parents are coming for the week. I am so happy that they are coming here. I miss them. I will have to work while they are here but I'll still get to spend a lot of time with them. I hope that the majority of my shifts are from 7-2 because that will give me the afternoons and evenings to hang out with them. I have to clean the house very thoroughly for their visit -- it is their house after all. They will be here tomorrow evening. I have a busy day tomorrow. I have to clean the house, pick up the turkey, go to the liquor store, buy laundry detergent and make chicken chili. I went to the grocery store today and spent $300. I didn't think I bought that much, but I guess I did. I found out where to get great sushi! Maybe it's a bad thing that I figured it out. I have been into sushi lately, but I had a bunch today so maybe I got it out of my system for a while at least.

I only have 865 more minutes to make it to the 1200 minute exercise goal. I've already done 335 minutes and it's only the 6th. I have to keep up my exercise and eating healthy even though my parents are here. I can't get off track just because I'll be eating meals that I didn't necessarily plan. I have to go to my WW meeting when they are here. Tuesday will be a very busy day: I am working from 7-2 at the restaurant, then I have to go to the store for a couple of hours, then I will go to the WW meeting at 6. I will be gone all day. Good thing my parents will be here to take care of the dog.

Of course I wanted to lose a ton of weight before my parents came but I think that losing 13 pounds is pretty good. I can tell I've lost weight. I wonder if they'll be able to. My stomach isn't sticking out nearly as much as it was. My clothes are fitting looser. I have a lot of weight to lose and 13 pounds in the total goal isn't that much but it's a great start.

Good start to the month

2006-10-04T15:34:00.000-07:00

So far October has been a fantastic month! I know it's only the 4th, but still, things have been going great. I was down 3.6lbs at my WW meeting. That puts me at 12.6 lbs lost, .6 from onederland and only 8lbs from my 10%! It felt great to look at my weight yesterday. That is funny to me because I would have been so upset before to see 200lbs. It's amazing how your views can change. Every pound under 200 is going to be cheered! I know I can do this. I am feeling really good about exercising and my eating choices. I love being in control and not feeling like a crazy person when it comes to what I stuff in my body.

Yesterday instead of going home from work and killing some time there before my WW meeting I went to the gym. I had to kill a couple of hours so I did a bunch of stuff, including running for 30 min. It wasn't hard. I didn't feel like I was going to die. I just listed to my music and ran. I even upped the speed during the last 5 minutes. That felt great!

Since I'm done at work in the afternoons I am going to stop by the gym on my way home. Even if I only do 30 minutes of something then I'll know I'm done and I'll feel great. I have to drive by the gym so why not stop?

Fall days

2006-10-02T18:16:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how fast the weather changes. Gone are the warm days. Now the days are filled with crisp mornings and chilly nights. It is time to bring out the sweaters and sweatshirts. It is cuddle season. You don't need someone else to cuddle up with, you just need a warm blanket and a cozy chair or couch. I love cuddle season.

Today I did 45 minutes of exercise. I know it isn't very much but it is adding to my goal of 1200 minutes for October. I'm 115 minutes into the goal. If nothing else I'll do it because I don't want to look like a schmuck when everyone else who signed up for it accomplishes the goal and I've only tracked mere minutes. It is such a good goal to set because it is something that I have complete control over. I can control the minutes that I exercise. It's a goal that will help the scale. Unlike the scale, which I can't control, I can control this. I won't wake up in the morning and wonder what the exercise minutes will say and think if I'd only drank more water or ate less salt then the number could be different. What a concept, a goal that I have control over.

Happy October

2006-10-01T16:09:00.000-07:00

I love the beginning of a new month. It always gives me hope and encouragement. No matter how the previous month went I am always positive when a new month starts. Today is no different. I've been struggling on the WW path for the last week or so. I know waht I should be doing. I know what I need to do to be successful. I haven't been following the path very well. I haven't been straying very far, but I'm still not 100%. It's like I'm going along the frontage road of the WW journey. I can see the freeway and I'm going parallel to it. I'm just going at a slower speed and sometimes I have to stop. The traffic on the freeway breezes right by. If I continue on the road that I'm on I'll still get to the destination but it will take me a lot longer. Today though I got back on the freeway. Right now I'm the one breezing by those on the frontage road. It feels good to have the proverbial wind blowing in my hair.

I joined an exercise challenge. The goal is 1200 minutes of exercise in October. I can do that! I have to let the challenge leader know how many minutes I've exercised each day so she can record in on my permanent record. I set up my own spreadsheet to track my exercise minutes and the pounds that I'm hopefully losing. Today I walked for 70 minutes. Only 1130 to go.

I walked on the path by the ocean. I haven't taked the dog there for almost a week. He loves that place and I feel so bad that I haven't been taking him there. I need to be much better about that. All he asks of me is that I feed him, give him water and take him on walks. Why do I neglect the walks? They are good for me and him. Sometimes I skimp on his walk because I've done exercise for myself that day and I am tired. That isn't fair to him. He didn't get to go. Even if it is a short walk down the beach I'm going to make sure I take him daily. I am supposed to anyway so it isn't like I'm being this great person for doing it.

I love days like today. Getting out and exercising in the fresh air is such a wonderful thing. It is amazing how much good exercise does me. Once I get going my head clears right away. It seems as though my frustrations fade and I can think clearly. My thinking becomes very positive. I ate my 26 pts and that was it. I didn't have any APs or free points. I feel in control of my eating and don't feel like I'm missing out. Tomorrow will be just as good.

Almost a new month

2006-09-30T00:39:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it is almost a new month. I was hoping to be a lot further in my weight loss after an entire month of being on WW. I guess I have to be better at setting my goals. I definitely have to be more realistic. Just because I'm eating my points and exercising way more than I used to it doesn't mean that I'm going to lose weight. Even if the number on the scale isn't dropping like I want it to I know that I am changing for the better. My body is getting smaller. I can wear shirts that I haven't been able to wear in about a year.

After I left L I started to gain weight. I didn't realize how much I'd been gaining because I never stepped on the scale. I didn't have to wear my "work" clothes any more so I didn't notice that they were starting to not fit. I was wearing jeans and a big shirt over them. It was also winter and I was wearing sweatshirts. I hardly ever went anywhere other than work at night so I never got dressed to go out. I was turning lazier and uglier and sadder. I didn't even notice how bad I was getting. It wasn't until about mid-summer when I had to start wearing some "real" clothes that I started to notice how fat I had gotten. I had a ton of clothes in my closet and pretty much none of them fit. I had to go and buy new things again. I am so sick of buying new clothes because my others are too small. I want to buy new clothes because mine are too big. I want to go shopping and buy something because I think it is cute, not because it fits.

Moving here has been such a great thing for me, for so many reasons. For me physically it is a great place because people are so active and there is so much to do. I have, have, have to be in shape next summer and be able to wear shorts and tank tops. I haven't felt comfortable wearing shorts in years. Sadly I don't really remember the last time that I was okay wearing shorts. I think it was my second summer at GLL. After that I started to gain weight and get out of shape. Sure I had brief appearances on the lower end of the scale but the weight crept back up and has been gaining momentum until recently.

The thing that I don't understand about my not losing weight more rapidly is I have done a complete overhaul on my physical and nutritional habits. I used to eat so badly. I'd hardly ever eat breakfast. I'd eat a big lunch/dinner and then eat again after 10pm. The majority of the food I ate was bar food. I hardly ever made anything at home. I drank way too much on a consistent basis. Sure, I'd have nights where I didn't drink but I tended to have more nights where I did drink rather than nights when I didn't. If I wasn't drinking I'd usually be having diet soda instead of water. I hardly drank any water at all. I didn't exercise. Plain and simple. I hardly got out of bed during the day. The most physical exertion I did was lifting chip bins. The lifestyle I was leading previous to July 15th was killing me -- physically and mentally.

That being said, why am I not losing faster? I am eating healthy. I am eating breakfast. I am drinking water -- sure I could be drinking more. I am hardly ever drinking alcohol. There has been only 3 nights in almost 2 months where I've had any alcohol and it was only wine. I'm not doing shots anymore. I am going to the gym. I've started running. I can run 30 minutes without stopping. I can go for long hikes. I am much, much better physical shape than I have been in a long time. Yet, I've only lost 9 pounds since I've started. True, I didn't go to the gym this week. True, I had 3 free points days in the past week. One of those days was accompanied by a 5+ hour hike.

I know that I can do a better job of sticking to the program and exercising more. I also know that I have to be more patient. I can't expect results as fast as I'd like them.

I feel like I've cleared my head. I'm ready to jump back in the weight loss pool. Lately I feel like I've been in the shallow end just up to my ankles. I'm still in the pool, but I'm not really getting wet. Tomorrow I can't go to the gym because I'm working all day and they are only open until 5 on Saturday. I can eat healthy though. It might be a bit of a challenge because I am going to be at the restaurant. I can do it though, I need to think before I eat. It is simple. Sunday I'm getting my butt back to the gym. Sunday is Oct. 1, what a great day to start my exercise routine back up. I need to lift weights again. I've let that go by the wayside. I need to start lifting every other day again. With my work schedule I'll be able to go to the gym all the time -- at least I think I will.

Start of something new

2006-09-29T10:19:00.000-07:00

I got the job! I am so excited. I start tomorrow. I am nervous but I know I'll do fine. It is such a good opportunity for me. I hope I like it, I think I will. The people that I've met so far seem great so hopefully it will be a fun place to work. My main concern is that they'll call my references. I'm really only worried about S. If they call D to see how I am then I'm golden. She'll give me a great reference. I don't know how S will be. If he's in a good mood then he'll be good, if he's in a bad mood then who knows. I would hope that he wouldn't want to sabotage my future. I don't think he'd give me a bad reference. Now that they've hired me I wonder if they do check references. I didn't put WT or L, so they won't know to check them. I've never in my life had to worry about negative references until the past year. What the hell happened to me? Is it a coincidence that my questionnable work ethic began when I was with S? He always made me feel guilty for working long hours. I felt like I should get home to him. Stupid! I am so lucky to have a new start now.

I am definitely having an exercise problem today. I have a completely free day and I don't want to go to the gym. I feel like I haven't exercised in forever but that's not true. I went for 2 long hikes this week.

Today's the day

2006-09-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

I have my interview at 3, it's now 1:15. I'm not nervous, should I be? I am meeting with the guy that initially called me. I'm thinking if he liked my resume enough to call me to come in then hopefully I have a shot at the job. I don't know where he falls on the hiring ladder as opposed to W, who I met the other day. W seemed to like me and wanted to bring me on board. If all goes well with this afternoon I think I will start right away. I'm not sure what that means. W said I'd go right into orientation. I'm not going to worry about it. I'll find out soon enough what is going to happen.

I weighed myself at home this morning and the scale read 204. I think. It is so hard to read accurately. I figure I stayed about the same this week. I didn't think I had a gain. I'll know the truth next Tuesday. Hopefully I'm down at least 1 lb from a week ago, then I'll get a bookmark or something, and more importantly I'll be down 10lbs! I know, looking at me 10lbs isn't that much to lose, but it's a start. It is a good, healthy, realistic start. I know I'm healthier. I know I'm fitter. I know I'm getting smaller. The part of my body that I can tell the most that I'm getting smaller is my stomach. Yeah! It was really sticking out there. I couldn't suck it in, it was just protruding. I couldn't look in the mirror because I was so ashamed that I'd really let myself get so far out of control. The bottom roll is hard enough to deal with, but the top roll too! There's no disguising that.

No weigh

2006-09-27T23:06:00.000-07:00

I didn't get weighed this week. I couldn't go today because I went on a hike instead. It's okay that I skipped this week at the meeting. I'm still going to stay on track. I'm going to go next week. I just skipped a week. It would be the same as if I used the Skip the Scale coupon that you get. Every once in a while you just need a break from the scale. This was my week for that. I am going to weigh myself on my home scale tomorrow. Whatever number is there is the one I'm going to record for my weight loss tracker.

I went on a great hike today. It was only the 4 of us and we went farther than we went the day before. We walked quite fast, I think. I know I'm definitely in better shape than I was when I originally did the hike a couple of months ago. Sure I was breathing a bit hard, but I didn't feel like I had to stop. It's funny but I've had a couple of people comment on the fact that I don't breath that heavy when we are hiking. I guess it's a compliment, but I also take it as they think I should be huffing and puffing because I'm so fat. They can't understand why their skinny butts are breathing hard and I'm not. Oh well, I'll be skinny one day too and I won't be huffing or puffing then either.

Even though I went on the hike today and I figured I earned 26 APs, I didn't have a free day of eating. I recorded everything I ate. Even the stuff that I shoved in my mouth when we got home from the hike and I was ravenous. It felt good to record it. It made me think before I just ate with abandon. I knew before I put it in my mouth what it was going to "cost" me. I ended up eating about 22 of the 26 APs. That's okay though because I worked really hard today. I figure I ate about 2,500 calories today. That sounds like a lot, but I guarantee you that when I was in D I would have consumed at least that many calories on a daily basis and I wouldn't have done any exercise in order to burn it off.

My knee bothered me today. I know it was because of the up and down on the hills and because of my weight. It hasn't bothered me until I started exercising. I could sit on my fat butt all day long and it wouldn't hurt but now it hurts. It's almost like a test saying that can I deal with the pain to get over the pain. I know it will get better when I lose weight, so I have to deal with it now.

Ditching the scale

2006-09-26T12:27:00.000-07:00

Today is weigh in and I'm ditching it. I don't think that the number on the scale will be reflective of my week. I had a good week as far as exercise and eating. I also drank my water. I could have been better about getting in my dairy and my fruits and vegetables, but I still ate within my points. I gave myself a free day on Saturday. I went to the BBQ at the S's. I didn't eat too much there. I had some wine. It wouldn't have been that bad of an eating day if I didn't come home and eat and drink more. That's okay though, I gave myself a free day. I don't regret it. I gave myself another free day on Sunday -- which I probably shouldn't have done. I went on a long hike on Sunday and figured that I earned about 26 APs. I didn't eat much on the hike, but I did eat when I came home. I didn't go THAT overboard. I figure there's no way that I ate all of my regular points and my APs. I thought it was an okay day. I sure got enough exercise in. Yesterday I didn't do any cardio, I did do some ab work and strength training on the ball. I ate within my points and I didn't eat after 8pm. I didn't drink anywhere near enough to what I should have had yesterday. Today when I got on the scale it showed 210. There's no way! I know TOM is coming and I'm retaining water like a dam, but still, 210! I wasn't about to go to the WI and have them record something like that. I think today's weight was a fluke and I will be lower tomorrow. I am thinking about going to a different meeting tomorrow.

It isn't as though I'm falling off the WW wagon. I'm not. I just had 2 days in a row, complete with food and lack of water, that squewed the scale. I know that I didn't really gain that weight because if I did there would be no way that the shirt that I wore to my interview today would have fit. It hasn't fit as well as it did today in a very, very long time.

If the scale is favorable in the morning then I'll go to the meeting. If it isn't, I'll work hard all week and resume meetings next week. I am not giving up. I am not falling off the wagon. I am missing 1 meeting -- that's it. I've got almost 2 weeks until my parents get here. I want to look the best I possibly can when they get here. I want to show them that my moving here was a good thing for me and all that they've done to help me has been worth it.

Yeah, I just got a call to go on a hike tomorrow morning. If I go to the WW meeting it is going to have to be in the evening. I'm not going to pass up a hike in order to go to WI, that would be counterproductive. Who knows how much longer the nice weather will hold. I want to get in as many hikes between now and the bad weather hitting as possible.

How can one person spend so much money at the grocery store? I spent almost $100 today and I don't feel like I bought that much stuff. I didn't go with a list, which is probably a bad idea because I end up wandering the aisles. I bought things that are healthy and good for me. I didn't buy anything that I shouldn't have. I even looked for the cheapest item. I still spent a boatload of money. I guess I'm just getting more and more cognizant of how much I'm spending because I'm not making any money. I did get the check from the mine today, so that will help. It is almost the end of the month so that means I'll be getting paid by D. I'll have worked 9 shifts, at least, for her. That should be around $500 -- I'm hoping.

Other people's posts

2006-09-25T14:55:00.000-07:00

I've been reading other people's blogs for a long time. Today 2 blog posts really struck a cord with me. Reading them made me realize that I'm not alone. I'm not the only person struggling out there. I'm not the only person who hates myself at times. I'm not the only person that fights with my inner voices.

I've been happy lately. Well, pretty happy. There are days when I feel very alone and sad but for the most part I'm happy. I am a lot happier than I was in D. Being happy now makes me wonder if I had done the things that I am doing now for myself would I have been happy there? It's almost a catch-22. I didn't do anything there to improve myself. I had the chance. I had plenty of chances. I never acted on them. I didn't want to get better or be better. Now I am making myself improve. I feel like I don't have a choice, I have to. I've got this once in a lifetime chance to start over and make myself happy. I am forcing myself to be more outgoing and active than I have been in the past. Now that I am much happier and that I'm losing weight and exercising I can't help think what could have happened. I guess it's a dumb thing to think because it DIDN'T happen. It wouldn't. I also have to remember that there were more things than just my own unhappiness that made the relationship not be successful. I know I could have stayed there. It would have been easy to stay. It is better that I've come here and made a new life for myself. It shows me that I can do it. I can take care of myself.

S thought that he knew me. He didn't. I showed him what he wanted to see. I was who I thought he wanted me to be. Sure, there were definitely times when I was myself, but not always. I was with him because I thought I should be. It was nice to have what I thought I wanted. It seemed easier to stay than to go. Don't get me wrong, I love him tremendously. That was never the issue. I will always love him. I will love him for being who he is, for taking care of me, for loving me, for everything we had together. I don't love me with him.

When I started taking the meds I really needed them. I am off them now. I went off them mainly because my prescription was too hard to refill and I wanted to see how much I really needed them. I am doing fine without them. The main thing that I notice being off them are my emotions are a lot more active -- for lack of a better description. I think the meds helped maintain them at an even level. I notice myself crying a lot more easily now. I will cry at commercials and tv shows -- not just in general. I also get frustrated more easily. I know that was one effect of the meds -- they really controlled my temper. When I was taking them it was like I didn't care as much if something went wrong or frustrated me. I could definitely tell when S stopped taking his meds, his temper would flare up right away. I would have mini freak outs before I started taking them. Those freak outs were usually a result of S doing or saying or not doing something. I couldn't deal with his ADD nearly as well before the meds as I could after. I shouldn't have had to medicate myself in order to deal with him. That's insane! It has taken me a long time to figure that out. I thought it was all my fault that I was on the meds, I thought that I had to have them. It was almost a bad thing that I started taking them. I think they made me numb to things. In some respects it was good that I started taking them because they gave me something else to blame for the way I was instead of myself.

I know I suffer from depression. I always have. There are times when I'm way more depressed than other times. I know now that just taking meds doesn't make me better. They make it so that I'm not as depressed. They make me numb. I know that I can do things myself that make me feel better. I feel more alive without them. I didn't realize the fogginess that I felt while I was taking them. I realize it now. I feel like I've had a breakthrough today.